Re: a comment on Captain Cannibal by Lenore	27-Jan-04/8:12 AM
That's 44 comments on this poem. Can we be done now?
Re: a comment on Captain Cannibal by Lenore	27-Jan-04/8:11 AM
Apparently not. But it seems to me darkangel's 'why is that better?' is a skeptical one, with which I answer it IS better for the reader to find his own meaning. And even better if that meaning is the same as the author's.
Re: a comment on Lullaby by Goad	27-Jan-04/7:56 AM
Don't listen. It's fine now.
Re: a comment on Captain Cannibal by Lenore	27-Jan-04/6:50 AM
I'm sorry about the worst list. I don't think anyone can be replaced on it now because the poems aren't ranked the same way these days, and they cycle through the 20 most recent too fast. And there's rockmage's 10s. If it makes you feel better, we never try to interpret your poems. We are mostly responding to Lenore's comments along the line of "you...miss the point by roughly nine light-years" and others, by which he marks himself as a different sort of animal.
Re: a comment on Captain Cannibal by Lenore	27-Jan-04/6:33 AM
I understand that, and think poems should stand completely alone, which your poems, Dark Angel, usually do. As far as you having a bunch of meaning in your poems I cut you (or one of you, anyway,) a lot of slack because you are as they say a prophet of old, and Naughty. Lenore is neither Naughty nor a prophet. He's asking to be ranked by Mature standards.
Re: So Much**coment this sucks. I want to make it better by Freethinker1602	26-Jan-04/10:33 PM
Once again, I'm the punctuation and line-break hound. I don't relish this.
Re: Under a better bed wetter by Shardik	26-Jan-04/10:29 PM
I don't get 'used to bed miss'.
Re: So Much**coment this sucks. I want to make it better by Freethinker1602	26-Jan-04/10:28 PM
Okay, I appreciate the situation you're in. Let me try to give you a suggestion without freaking you out. I get the feeling you're trying to write poetry that sounds like poetry. Do you understand what I'm saying? You might feel like it won't be poetry unless it's... well, poetic. Unless it uses a kind of diction and phrasing that is like what you imagine is in other poetry. This is bad. I'm not saying you should write stuff that looks like mine (which is really mostly bad prose with some clever slant rhymes,) but you should approach poetry writing with the idea that if you've ever ever EVER EVER EVER EVER heard a phrase used before, then you should never ever use it. Understand? Poetry is the truest form for expressing things originally, and the thing that kills it (see crystal swift and others here) is when your reader thinks you're not being original. Other people here will say it's a bad idea to read other poetry. I say go ahead, so you'll get an idea of what NOT to say - what's already been said. If you don't know what I'm talking about, start with your first line. Have you ever heard someone say that before? Yes, of course. So think of a new way to say it. And go on from there, line by line. Step two: line breaks (ie, where you hit ENTER) in poetry aren't just for the end of phrases (which is what you have here.) Okay, they can be. But they're not usually. Change it up so some of your thoughts end in the middle of lines, so some thoughts are broken into little parts, each of which (as you get better) has a chance for having its own meaning. Step three: PUNCTUATE. To most readers a line break isn't going to mean a period. In idea of enjambment means that it's traditional now to read through a break onto the next line (ie, 'take you from me my heart was made, etc.) Put in periods, commas, like you're writing prose. And say 'because' instead of 'cuz'. Is that enough for a start?
Re: a comment on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas	26-Jan-04/6:10 PM
"with effete colors standing out so lonely, like wither'd husks in the moonlight." Sadly, the best two lines written on poemranker today. I had to repeat them.
Re: a comment on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas	26-Jan-04/5:03 PM
Daring. I don't know what to think.
Re: a comment on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas	26-Jan-04/4:54 PM
As far as line 6, just a comma from the previous line or into the following line would suffice. In a pinch it'll work as is. In line 8 (if you want to follow Goad's track, which is pretty good) you might consider changing 'many', which is not poetic in the sense you're aiming for. If you do, don't think of synonyms for many, think of something on the fringe of synonymity (which is not, as far as I know, a real word.) I'm not as worried about the Dixie battle hymns as Goad is. But he's got a good ear.
Re: a comment on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas	26-Jan-04/4:49 PM
I agree. It makes it something more than an adjective.
Re: a comment on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas	26-Jan-04/3:20 PM
That works fine.
Re: a comment on bitch on the triple word score by middenHeap	26-Jan-04/3:19 PM
It's a kind of transubstantiation. And an immaculate conception (of sourness).
Re: a comment on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas	26-Jan-04/3:15 PM
Nah.
Re: a comment on Sissy Faggot by Shardik	26-Jan-04/2:59 PM
That's amazing. I stand educated.
Re: a comment on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas	26-Jan-04/2:57 PM
"also, do you think the un-ended clause works?" Sort of. Maybe do away with the period and hope no one notices. If they do, it'll run into 'I loved' pretty nicely. I don't think anyone's being serious here tonight, or I'd turn it over to the crowd for a new 'sweet' - an sweet substitute, if you will. My votes: dreamlike, phatasmagoric, slow-motion... (more to follow)
Re: Sissy Faggot by Shardik	26-Jan-04/2:52 PM
a tampon with wings? Anatomically impossible!
Re: a comment on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas	26-Jan-04/2:47 PM
>>"there needs to be some kind of adjective there pointing out the beauty of the self-destruction being witnessed " Maybe, but not 'sweet.' Of course, you'll find I am the shameless (and rather zealous) scourge of poetic adjectives and modifiers.
Re: Reconstruction by andrewjthomas	26-Jan-04/2:40 PM
The passage "while this deconstruction of residential zoning half-burnt brick and mortar shell shining," doesn't form a clause. What happens "while"? I would understand if you meant for it to be like that, with the abruptness of "rebuild" and all, but if not it needs a verb. I would also take the "sweet" out of "sweet train wreck" and even (really controlling unsolicited advice here) drop the "and" from the beginning of that line and the "The" before sirens. It's really good otherwise. Don't think I criticized so much because I don't like it. You'll see I'm harder on the good ones.