on C. Morgenstern: The Surf by yonderland
16 Sep 2004, 10:20 AM
It really sounds like Morgenstern! Du hast etwas ganz gut gemacht.
on Poem For Times Such As These by Nicholas Jones
16 Sep 2004, 10:00 AM
Ydy'r gerdd hyn yn gael ei dylanwadu gan "Rhyfel" Hedd Wyn?
Gwae fi fy myw mewn oes mor ddreng
A Duw ar drai ar orwel pell;
O'i ôl mae dyn, yn deyrn a gwreng,
Yn codi ei awdurdod hell.
Pan deimlodd fyned ymaith Dduw
Cyfododd gledd i ladd ei frawd;
Mae swn yr ymladd ar ein clyw,
A'i gysgod ar fythynnod tlawd.
Mae'r hen delynau genid gynt
Ynghrog ar gangau'r helyg draw,
A gwaed y bechgyn lond y gwynt,
A'u gwaed yn gymysg efo'r glaw
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
Gwae fi fy myw mewn oes mor ddreng
A Duw ar drai ar orwel pell;
O'i ôl mae dyn, yn deyrn a gwreng,
Yn codi ei awdurdod hell.
Pan deimlodd fyned ymaith Dduw
Cyfododd gledd i ladd ei frawd;
Mae swn yr ymladd ar ein clyw,
A'i gysgod ar fythynnod tlawd.
Mae'r hen delynau genid gynt
Ynghrog ar gangau'r helyg draw,
A gwaed y bechgyn lond y gwynt,
A'u gwaed yn gymysg efo'r glaw
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
on School (a sonnet) by Nicholas Jones
16 Sep 2004, 9:55 AM
Wyt ti wedi ddarllen "Ty'r ysgol" gan T. H Parry Williams? Mae'n amddangos bod y gerdd hyn yn ateb yn ôl i'w soned.
on Welsh Landscape Part One by Nicholas Jones
16 Sep 2004, 9:49 AM
Rydw i'n cytuno. Does dim gan yr uwchdônau marw unrhyw ddihangfa. Rydw i'n credu bod i ddim wedi gofyn, oes yn well gen ti Saesneg neu Gymraeg?
on Friend Ship by ChefKSP
9 Sep 2004, 6:31 PM
When you'll find love?
mind if I go hurl in the next room.
YEUCH!!!
Shit you're bad. This is the most sappy stuff I've read in a long time.
mind if I go hurl in the next room.
YEUCH!!!
Shit you're bad. This is the most sappy stuff I've read in a long time.
on Forever Lasting by ChefKSP
9 Sep 2004, 6:29 PM
Life without love is a life's loss?????
God. Look, Chef, why don't you send this dribble you cooked up to Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul XXXVII. I believe they have an opening, as they always do, for shit that rambles, rhymes, and really means absolutely nothing. Go ahead. You're hurting the internet.
God. Look, Chef, why don't you send this dribble you cooked up to Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul XXXVII. I believe they have an opening, as they always do, for shit that rambles, rhymes, and really means absolutely nothing. Go ahead. You're hurting the internet.
Aww. How distinctively pathetic.
Your Revealed feelings only prolongs the time till your heart is broken
once again??
What the fuck is that? I believe you meant "prolong" and not "prolongs." Actually, you might want to take that whole line out. Or maybe you want to take the whole stanza; it adds nothing to the poem. Actually, just take out the entire poem. It adds nothing to this site.
Your Revealed feelings only prolongs the time till your heart is broken
once again??
What the fuck is that? I believe you meant "prolong" and not "prolongs." Actually, you might want to take that whole line out. Or maybe you want to take the whole stanza; it adds nothing to the poem. Actually, just take out the entire poem. It adds nothing to this site.
Jesus. You are sooooooooo good. It just amazes me. The beginning of nearly every line with "I" provides a sense of continuity that more than makes up for the disjointed yet comfortingly predictable lines. It is hard to believe that this is the work of an adolescent struggling to keep it together.
A well deserved 10
HAHAHAHAHA
Fooled ya, didn't I.
No. Sorry. I was kidding. This poem sucks. I know it's hard to bear someone telling you that but it does. It reminds me of the soppy crap of my English teacher way way way back in my freshman year of highschool: Self-righteous, cliché, and about as articulate as George Bush while talking to the cop who pulled him over for drunk driving.
A well deserved 0.
A well deserved 10
HAHAHAHAHA
Fooled ya, didn't I.
No. Sorry. I was kidding. This poem sucks. I know it's hard to bear someone telling you that but it does. It reminds me of the soppy crap of my English teacher way way way back in my freshman year of highschool: Self-righteous, cliché, and about as articulate as George Bush while talking to the cop who pulled him over for drunk driving.
A well deserved 0.
replying on Let your heart roam free by Leah11
3 Sep 2004, 2:54 PM
Definitely completely wrong. Prose doesen't have linebreaks.
Now critique:
You begin with two generalities copulating in alliteration rather rudely right infront of the reader's face: "paradox of possibility." The beginning of this poem might be improved all round by some concrete imagery, instead of bland and bald description. Show, don't tell. As a matter of fact, the whole poem does little showing and a lot of telling.
The meter however is a good one. Just don't shoehorn big words into it for the sole purpose of filling in the syllables.
Now critique:
You begin with two generalities copulating in alliteration rather rudely right infront of the reader's face: "paradox of possibility." The beginning of this poem might be improved all round by some concrete imagery, instead of bland and bald description. Show, don't tell. As a matter of fact, the whole poem does little showing and a lot of telling.
The meter however is a good one. Just don't shoehorn big words into it for the sole purpose of filling in the syllables.
replying on The American Soldier by x0lovelylarnx0
1 Aug 2004, 10:51 PM
Actually I'm a Russian with biracial parents, raised in a French-Russian speaking household and didn't learn english till around age 6 or 7 at which point I was living outside the US. I believe that makes me NOT A YANKEE by any stretch of the word.
The fact that I have a better grasp of the English language than you do when it is my third and your first language demonstrates the extent to which your subaverage, superarrogant, and hopelessly unpoetic intellect is not worth the brain-farts it generates.
Have a nice day.
Yahoo!
Ride 'em cowboy!
The fact that I have a better grasp of the English language than you do when it is my third and your first language demonstrates the extent to which your subaverage, superarrogant, and hopelessly unpoetic intellect is not worth the brain-farts it generates.
Have a nice day.
Yahoo!
Ride 'em cowboy!
replying on The American Soldier by x0lovelylarnx0
1 Aug 2004, 10:48 PM
you mean you are way "past" not "passed"
Though I'm sure in the past you have been passed by many guys who say "damn Joe, look at that disgusting marm over there"
Though I'm sure in the past you have been passed by many guys who say "damn Joe, look at that disgusting marm over there"
replying on The Dream by x0lovelylarnx0
1 Aug 2004, 10:42 PM
Not if they're hendecasyllabic. They're supposed to have five stressed syllables interspersed with 5 or 6 unstressed syllables.
STOP COUNTING SYLLABLES
Learn what iambic pentameter is before you initiate anymore verbal defication
STOP COUNTING SYLLABLES
Learn what iambic pentameter is before you initiate anymore verbal defication
replying on The American Soldier by x0lovelylarnx0
1 Aug 2004, 10:32 PM
Um hello?
Irony alert!
You've got fight/life as a rhyme, hope/boat as a rhyme, and to top it all off you've got not ONE LINE in this sonnet that is in iambic pentameter!
NOT ONE!
You should count syllables too hun, and you might also want to count stresses and word accents.
Irony alert!
You've got fight/life as a rhyme, hope/boat as a rhyme, and to top it all off you've got not ONE LINE in this sonnet that is in iambic pentameter!
NOT ONE!
You should count syllables too hun, and you might also want to count stresses and word accents.
replying on The American Soldier by x0lovelylarnx0
25 Jul 2004, 1:15 PM
and you misspelled pray
replying on The American Soldier by x0lovelylarnx0
25 Jul 2004, 1:14 PM
If there was any shred of a doubt that you're a minor, it's gone now. Who else but a teenager with a limited vocabulary (or a senior suffering from a degenerative mental disorder, which, I suppose is a slim possibility here) would call me a Loser when there are so many more creative things an immature person could say like, for example, little bleeding twat, ugly pustule, and nut licker- all of which I would validly apply to you if I were not so sure somebody else in your sad life already had.
There. Now retorts should follow something like that.
There. Now retorts should follow something like that.
on The Dream by x0lovelylarnx0
24 Jul 2004, 4:31 PM
This shows some grasp of imagery. The rhymes are once again forced though. When you have a word accented on the penultimate syllable ending a line, you should have 11 syllables in the line total.
on The American Soldier by x0lovelylarnx0
24 Jul 2004, 4:29 PM
Rhymes are off, iambic pentameter is not there, and the sire.fire rhyme is forced, as are they all.
This is actually a pretty good specimen of the crap that happens when young'uns like you think they can be profound.
-blessed with a 2-
Really, I'm being hard on you because I am expressing an honest opinion, not because I'm retaliating.
This is actually a pretty good specimen of the crap that happens when young'uns like you think they can be profound.
-blessed with a 2-
Really, I'm being hard on you because I am expressing an honest opinion, not because I'm retaliating.
replying on Ellis Evans: Rhyfel- War by Sasha
10 Jul 2004, 6:59 AM
Indeed, *bows*
Do I get a vote, or just a conversation?
Do I get a vote, or just a conversation?
I think "glides in silent gear" is not very Morgenstern like and isn't a very good translation for "der still im Ãther schwimmt"
Also you translate "das eigne Herz" (one's own heart) as "the heart of mine" and use the first person pronoun where it doesen't exist in the original, which completely crushes the charming ambiguity of the second stanza.
"In whose eyes sank my sense and mind" is archaic and sounds like german syntax. It is not natural in a translation of an idiomatic spontaneous poet like Morgenstern.
Though you have to make changes and substitutions for the sake of cadence in any good translation, you should be aware of what those substitutions are and how they affect the poem.