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Ransom (Free verse) by windyone
I heard your cries broken Angel they were echos of mine long ago He said he was my friend, as he led me into the room inside He said he had something to show me and in my innocence I followed Such a long time ago, but never forgotten

Up the ladder: the poem reads me
Down the ladder: o, whale

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Arithmetic Mean: 2.5
Weighted score: 4.8814354
Overall Rank: 9963
Posted: May 19, 2005 1:03 AM PDT; Last modified: May 21, 2005 6:32 AM PDT
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Comments:
[1] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 | 19-May-05/4:49 AM | Reply
So you were shown a guy's hotdog. How many 'poems' did you write about this earth-shattering event?
[n/a] windyone @ 63.245.189.142 > deleted user | 19-May-05/4:44 PM | Reply
So that was you? Figures,you know so fucking much, were you there?
[1] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 > windyone | 19-May-05/5:12 PM | Reply
Calm down, I don't want to rob you from a comfortable trauma
[1] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 > deleted user | 19-May-05/5:37 PM | Reply
The One, by the way, is not because of the subject but because you wrote down a memory and that's all you did. The reason there is no poetry, no 'shock' in it, is because you didn't take enough distance from yourself. It sounds a contradiction, but for generating reader's sympathy (with this subject or any other subsequents), stepping back and looking at yourself from a distance is necessary. I see what you tried to bring about: to shock through ways of directness and simplicity. Sometimes it works, but not here. At least, it doesn't work with me.

<<and in my innocence I followed>>
I now realise that your poem may leave something truly horrible unsaid: rape. Believe me, I wouldn't snigger at that. But don't expect me to draw that conclusion from a poem that fails to communicate emotionally.
[n/a] windyone @ 63.245.189.142 > deleted user | 19-May-05/7:44 PM | Reply
Hmmm...thanks
[n/a] Christof @ 62.121.23.56 | 19-May-05/9:09 AM | Reply
Where does the ransom come into it?
[n/a] windyone @ 63.245.189.142 > Christof | 19-May-05/7:45 PM | Reply
at 3 am
[3] Dovina @ 69.175.32.185 > windyone | 20-May-05/1:10 PM | Reply
No, really! It's a good question and one you should answer. I don't see how any captive or seized property is redeemed by paying money or complying with other demands.

And DoubleU's revision below is perfect in its first verse. From there it slides a bit. But I think you need to pay closer attention to the comments. I'll admit that the votes you got on this are very low, mine included, and I'm beginning to see you might be a better poet than we first thought, so please ransom yourself with some thoughtful answers to DoubleU and Cristof.
[1] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 > Dovina | 20-May-05/1:28 PM | Reply
What I wanted to show is how you can fold back the poem to it openings line. You don't even have to change your own version if you really don't want to, just add some sort of reference to that person in the first line.
[1] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 > deleted user | 20-May-05/1:39 PM | Reply
Perhaps W meant that 'ransom' stands for emotional blackmail
[n/a] windyone @ 63.245.189.142 > windyone | 21-May-05/6:29 AM | Reply
It was the street where I lived
[1] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 | 20-May-05/12:49 PM | Reply
The first two lines are quite telling, actually. I better not react without thinking it over well.
Somehow past en present do not interlink, Windyone. Somebody's crying which triggers off your own (let's personalize this for the moment) experience from long ago, but you do not explain the other person -the cause of your reverting back in time- any further, which leaves the poem sort of unfinished.

Do you mind if I try to tackle this? If you do, I can always delete it again.

Your cries, echoes of mine
from long ago
He was my friend
he said
long ago and not so

His words
gotta show you something and I
followed my innocence and him
into the room, uninhabitated
for so long
but not forgotten

My words
fail, hear me crying
for you
[1] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 | 21-May-05/11:40 AM | Reply
The 'broken Angel' doesn't make it any clearer to me. It's almost as if you don't want to talk about other victims and only about yourself. It would make more sense if you did just that. Sorry, but that's how I read it.
[n/a] windyone @ 63.245.189.142 > deleted user | 21-May-05/3:42 PM | Reply
Broken Angel was a poem I read about a young child that was raped
and no one heard her cries, it evoked long repressed memories
[1] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 > windyone | 21-May-05/4:17 PM | Reply
OK; my incomprehension may lay in the fact that I'm foreign and don't know the poem you refer to. I stay with my opinion however that this related cause, speaking (crying) from a poem, plays a hugh part in the reliving of your own trauma. And you must not restrict that cause to only one line. The girl, the Broken Angel, is literally pushed off. And that's also a reason why your poem does not emotionalizes. To yourself, perhaps; not to others.
In my view you made a remarkable mistake. I would never have dwelled on it so long, had it not been for a subject so heavy and so delicate at the same time.
If writing about it the way you do here makes you feel better, go on. But don't publish it if your aim is to touch readers. You won't because this way you are not sharing. (underlined)
In general I dislike writers who stay enclosed within themselves, Don 't go this road.
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