poemranker ::When God is Needed No More by ALChemy

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When God is Needed No More

by ALChemy

Member since 2005 · Posted 23 Jan 2006 · 27 comments

Good children gather round the hearth for it is time for you to know that like the grass you sprout from earth and are destined there to go But worry not about the matter It will only spoil your joy Nor dream truth of any hereafter Such promises are coy Do not think this blasphemous I will not deny God’s power to lead us through disastrous days into our finest hour What if we stretched that hour, long as our life and remained modest and did all we could to not do wrong? Could we not then go on godless? Could we not carry on his word and let our father rest? Surely such reward’s deserved for he did his very best. Now children you are grown and are off to inherit the earth while helpless and alone waits the one you owe your birth God watches like any other proud and caring parent that sees in you, sister and brother the goodness that is inherent For it is in God’s plan to instill in us his love and wisdom, and to send forth his good children and only in silence miss them

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A favorite of Landon2, amanda_dcosta.

27 comments

[8] Dovina 23-Jan-06/2:15 PM Reply
Recently, you told me you were happy that a new poem I had posted was not about God. Had to chuckle. This has a nice rhythm at the start, which seems to crumble a bit toward the end. A climax comes at, "Could we not then go on godless?" Of course I could say you are preaching, not showing, but I like preaching sometimes, and this is not too preachy.

I understand "Surely such reward’s deserved" to mean "reward is" but "surely He deserves reward" sounds better to me.

"For it is in God’s plan" seems like it needs "good" or something before "plan" for rhythm's sake.

"and to send forth his good children" seems bland, I dunno.

Try "some" in "Nor dream truth of any hereafter" instead of "any."

The lone period after "best" seems awkward, it's the only one; likewise the comma after "wisdom."

"that sees"? - try "who sees".
[n/a] ALChemy › Dovina 23-Jan-06/2:30 PM Reply
Yes, I think my usual smooth rhythm has become almost an expected part of my poems. I only wrote it yesterday and quite quickly I might say. I had just finished reading Blake's Songs of Experience after reading Songs of Innocence and this is what came out of me. I wasn't sure if the meter narrowed too much near the end or not so I'm glad you caught that.
Yeah, I missed that damn "," when I put the "and" in. Good eye.
The last 4 lines were the heart of the poem so I'm a little disappointed the you didn't care fore them. Still, thanks for the input D.
[8] Dovina › ALChemy 24-Jan-06/11:19 AM Reply
I understand the last four lines, but they seem like a summary of what has already been preached (and I've already said that I don't mind the preaching in this pooem. That would not be bad, except that the closing lines are dogmatic ("it is God's plan") and bland ("his good children"), and only the last line seems important. Sorry to stomp on your children, accidentally of course.
[n/a] ALChemy › Dovina 24-Jan-06/11:46 AM Reply
Sure, it is a summary. Good children connects the start and end of the poem. It starts with the scene of some older, wiser person teaching or preaching or whatever you want to call it, to the children of the world. Considering the subject matter and my motive of putting skepticism and faith side by side harmoniously in a poem, it seems acceptable to me to use preachy, dogmatic and even a little biblical cliche language when representing the faith side of the poem. In short, you're noticing things I hoped you would but you're missing my reasons for putting them there. So in that way I've failed miserably. You've really given me alot to think about and I thank you.
[8] Dovina › ALChemy 24-Jan-06/11:58 AM Reply
Please stop wallowing in your beer, it's not manly. You have not failed miserably. You have succeeded in showing a facet of God that is not commonly shown, and which I rather like. And even a little more Biblical reference would be okay in this setting. I see it as recognition of God's goodness in making us, and His even betterness in making us so good that perhaps we don't need Him after childhood. I find it a concept worth pondering, but not completely agreeable.
[n/a] ALChemy › Dovina 24-Jan-06/12:11 PM Reply
God bless you. You've got that part perfect. I meant Blake was my motive for sounding almost cheesy with the faithful parts and philosophical with the skeptic parts. Were I missed like you said is in the crumbling rhythm. Blake had great rhythm.
[10] zodiac › ALChemy 24-Jan-06/12:32 PM Reply
I thought it was a good sentiment, aptly expressed.
[n/a] ALChemy › zodiac 24-Jan-06/2:18 PM Reply
Me too. Thanks.
You seem a little on the inactive side lately.
Alaska's fucking with your sleep pattern ain't it.
[10] zodiac › ALChemy 24-Jan-06/2:22 PM Reply
Naw, just going through one of my spells where poemranker makes me very, very sad. I'll be back soon, and full of vim.
[n/a] ALChemy › zodiac 24-Jan-06/2:33 PM Reply
Yes, I've been there. Maybe it's the pastel blue, I don't know.
[10] amanda_dcosta › ALChemy 24-Jan-06/7:57 PM Reply
Alaska? What's up with you in Alaska.... in winter? Huh, I'm feeling chill here with a mild mild winter, and to hear of someone going to Alaska freezes me. Or is is that cold as I imagine it to be?
[10] zodiac › amanda_dcosta 24-Jan-06/9:24 PM Reply
It's an adventure, like going to Shimla.

Tonight it's only -2 centigrade. We're not in Fairbanks or the North Slope, where it's been -42C (-44F) all day.
[10] amanda_dcosta › zodiac 24-Jan-06/10:54 PM Reply
I've been to Shimla last year and shivered terribly even with the umpteen amount of clothing and sitting near the heaters. Didn't even venture out into the knee deep snow, to keep myself alive..... and still returned with a lung infection.... can't think how one can tolerate cold for long. I still love the snow, though.
[10] amanda_dcosta › amanda_dcosta 24-Jan-06/10:56 PM Reply
You been to Shimla, or to India for that matter?
[10] zodiac › amanda_dcosta 25-Jan-06/9:04 AM Reply
Not yet. I've always wanted to, but, to be honest, before Jordan I was a little scared of India. Now nothing scares me.

I think I mentioned this, but in grad school I took a really cool class on Indian Lit - Rushdie, Rohinton Mistry, Arundhati Roy, Amitov Ghosh, Bapsi Sidhwa, Anita Desai, and my personal favorite, R.K. Narayan. Most of what I know about India comes from them, one way or another.
[10] amanda_dcosta › zodiac 26-Jan-06/8:19 AM Reply
Truth is, I've not read any of their books. I've not done much on lit and poetry and how I write is what I've been brought up with. I didn't take lit in college...maybe would have done better if I had.
[n/a] ALChemy › zodiac 25-Jan-06/4:54 AM Reply
Thank God you spent some time in luke warm NC. before heading north to Alaska. The temperature shock between Arabia and Alaska might have given you permanent Katharine Hepburn shakes.
[7] drnick 23-Jan-06/6:28 PM Reply
Pretty good...I agree with the not needing god part, mostly because "he" does absolutely nothing. It would be better if you didn't believe, and made this something about how we wont need religion when we can all live peacefully without it. Perhaps I will do something like that. Anywho, not bad...
[n/a] ALChemy › drnick 24-Jan-06/12:04 AM Reply
Please don't say god does nothing unless you believe in god and if you believe in god's existence than obviously he does something. With that said, it would be silly for me to talk of God earnestly if I didn't at some level believe. Aside from saying something like "that guy over there believes in god" or "There is no god", which is not what I'm trying to say.
It's more about the dichotomy of what the childish believe and what the mature realize and about leaving the nest of religion as we do at home once we've learned all we need to know.
[7] ecargo 23-Jan-06/7:05 PM Reply
Yep, you've been reading Blake. ;-) You lose your meter here and there, and since you mostly stick to it, it's jarring when you go astray.

Put a comma after your invocation (good children)--makes it immediately clear that you're speaking to them (it threw me off the first time). A nit.

"Inherit the earth" IS a great biblical line, which is why it's so overused.

As Dovina notes, it's deliberate preaching, which doesn't bother me, but I do wish the language was a little more fresh and compelling. Or that he ate the children in the end (sorry, it got me thinking of The Walrus and the Carpenter):

"O Oysters," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.

[n/a] ALChemy › ecargo 24-Jan-06/12:37 AM Reply
Some good comments on the meter and commas. Thanks, I'll work on it.
I considered changing "inherit the earth" but I couldn't resist leaving it in because it implies the death or retirement of a parent or of God. It also reinforces that the grown children are taking God's knowledge with them. Had I used a more obscure biblical reference the effect would have been lost.
It's quite hard to say something either pro or anti-god and not come out sounding a little preachy which is why I'm glad it doesn't bother you.
The teller of the poem is percieved an older wise person simply by the way the listeners are addressed in the poem.
So fresh language would come across as some young buck trying to tell you how it is.(Word up, yo)
"Compelling" would really come across as preachy.("The power of Christ compells you")
For my take on Lewis Carroll see:
http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=135039
[7] ecargo › ALChemy 24-Jan-06/7:01 AM Reply
Bonus points for the Exorcist reference. ;) I liked your Jabberwockyish poem. Cool.
[10] amanda_dcosta 24-Jan-06/1:30 AM Reply
Alchemy,something quite different but good. I've been reading the comments and must agree that its a bit preachy. But thats how it goes on and off....so no second thoughts to that. I did get the last four lines and thats what gave the punch to the poem when I first read it. I reread the last half to my husband- the part from 'Now children you have grown.....' as that's what gave me the comparisons. I might as well give you a ten... you've given me something to think about.
[10] amanda_dcosta 24-Jan-06/1:33 AM Reply
And to you drnick, I'm tempted to say that there's no such thing as live peacefully without religion. These days, man does not rely on God but on his (man's)own capabilities and "brains", all in the name of religion. Put God into the scene and give Him total control and then we'll know the difference.

"Take your breath, you return to clay
And your plans today come to nothing."

Think about this.
[10] INTRANSIT 24-Jan-06/1:21 PM Reply
maybe someday I'll get to a poem first and actully have something to say.
[n/a] ALChemy › INTRANSIT 24-Jan-06/2:02 PM Reply
I have faith in you. You'll come up with one of those unique enigmatic phrases you're so famous for. My next one's a haiku. I'll probably post it early tomorrow. I expect nothing short of genius from you:)
Thanks man.
[9] Ranger 12-May-06/5:34 AM Reply
This is fantastic; a great way of bringing a message across, and the message itself is well thought-out. The only problem I found is the rhyme of 'hearth' and 'earth' - I don't know how you pronounce it, but for me 'hearth' sounds like 'harth'. Not enough to diminish my enthusiasm for the poem though.