poemranker ::Peter by Wakeboarder20

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Free verse № 146881

Peter

by Wakeboarder20

Member since 2005 · Posted 1 Oct 2006 · Edited 11 Oct 2006 · 15 comments

A ghost appears in the form of a man. Speaking in parables about the unknown claiming to be the son of God. Through him I see a door wide open and beckoning. I find my courage and walk through leaving all I am behind on that rickety boat. The impossible becomes possible but stricken by logic the impossible strikes back. Screaming for help and sinking like a stone. He grabs my arm and saves me asking me why I would doubt lose faith in what I saw before me and what I never knew I could do but did all the same.

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mean 5.00 weighted 5.00 rank 8102 views 176 View voting details →

2 votes so far. Yours would make 3.2 votes so far

15 comments

[n/a] Ranger 1-Oct-06/4:20 PM Reply
The stanzas don't really connect with each other. I'm dying to say 'change pawn to prawne', that would at least give a bit of continuity with the sinking and the ship. But seriously, this doesn't really carry much meaning to me. I know you've got something to say, and I guess I can see what you're saying...but it doesn't grab me, in this form. I don't really know what to suggest, other than getting a continuous link throughout the poem.
[n/a] Wakeboarder20 › Ranger 1-Oct-06/8:11 PM Reply
I changed it up to try to show what I was going for a little better. It's still a work in progress. I'd love to know what you think.
[n/a] Ranger › Wakeboarder20 2-Oct-06/1:31 PM Reply
It's better this way - more consistent and scans better. I think this is one which you will find evolves, and as it does, you will work out what you want it to say - or if you know what you want it to say, you'll work out how you want it to say it. I'll read through the edits of this, hopefully some others will give their views on where you're going.

Recommendation - alter one of the 'throughs' in the first stanza, the repetition doesn't work there, I don't think.
[8] Dovina › Ranger 2-Oct-06/1:55 PM Reply
I agree that it seems of uncertain intent, as if the the narrator is searching for some truth. The first verse seems to be about Jesus and his parables. He calls himslef the Door, and the narrator walks through.

Then in Verse 2, Narroator gets confused about something that the poem does not describe. I think it would be stronger if you say what confuses him.

Verse 3 is mostly a repeat of Verse 2 and brings us no closer to an understanding of the confusion.
[4] nentwined 4-Oct-06/6:16 PM Reply
hmm... huh?
[n/a] Wakeboarder20 › nentwined 5-Oct-06/10:22 AM Reply
It may be a little clearer now.
[4] nentwined › Wakeboarder20 5-Oct-06/10:27 AM Reply
I don't know the story you're referencing in enough detail to really know what's going on from the poem. It makes more sense on a line level, now, so it's not until I get to the end that I really know I don't know what's going on.

I'd change "claiming he is" to "claiming to be"--things are vague enough that there could be _another_ he... or perhaps the _parables_ are claiming that the ghost he is ...

What rickety boat? That metaphor jumps away from the piece, for me, in a very confusing way.

I really like "but stricken [...] strikes back".

Screaming for help, sinking like a stone?

What do you see?
[n/a] Wakeboarder20 4-Oct-06/11:06 PM Reply
Well, I revised the poem again. Now it's nothing like it was before. I had reread the story about Jesus walking on the water to a group of fishermen and peter walking out to Jesus. I wanted to do something with that story but couldn't think of what. Right now it's just a straight re-telling of the story. I'm going to try to think of what I can do to change it a little and get some message across.
[7] Shuushin 5-Oct-06/4:19 AM Reply
The boat metaphor comes out of nowhere, but otherwise I like the tone. Fairly cogent, too. Apply some poetic tools and it could find a wider appeal.
[n/a] Wakeboarder20 › Shuushin 5-Oct-06/8:56 AM Reply
The boat metaphor cane from the story of Jesus walking on water. According to the Bible, Jesus walked on water out to a fishing boat in the middle of a storm. Peter happened to be on that boat and asked Jesus to ask him to follow and Jesus did. So Peter got off of the boat and started to walk on water. But he began to lose faith (either in himself or Jesus, it's up to the reader to figure that out) and he began to sink. He called out to Jesus to save him and Jesus did and then asked him why he would doubt.
[8] Dovina 5-Oct-06/10:08 AM Reply
It's better in the edit. "What I never knew I could do
but did all the same." A good take on the story.

This could use some tightening, some elimination of sidetracks. For example, the reference to parables and the unknown is really another issue, isn't it? And the boat was probably not rickety; these were professional fishermen, after all.
[n/a] Wakeboarder20 › Dovina 5-Oct-06/10:21 AM Reply
Thanks for the suggestions. This is not the final form of this poem so I'll consider what you said when I revise it.
[0] Edna Sweetlove 7-Oct-06/9:11 AM Reply
That Peter was a total asshole. Why would anyone be interested in these jew fairy stories?
[n/a] Wakeboarder20 › Edna Sweetlove 7-Oct-06/10:08 AM Reply
Hmmm. Isn't this a case of the pot calling the kettle black?
[n/a] Ranger › Wakeboarder20 8-Oct-06/1:37 AM Reply
No, it's a case of the pot desperately seeking attention by trying to be funny, and failing at both. I hate it when crockery doesn't shut up. Especially when I'm dying for a cup of tea.