poemranker ::paint me a poem with pictures by nentwined

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Lyric № 74473

paint me a poem with pictures

by nentwined

Member since 2001 · Posted 9 Nov 2003 · 22 comments

Picture me a poem with the paint of a mind, give me a beauty that will last throughout time, rhyme me a reason to forestall all doubt, dribble me words to sustain me through drought.

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37 votes so far. Yours would make 38.37 votes so far

A favorite of nentwined.

22 comments

[8] Geschäftsreise 9-Nov-03/8:47 PM Reply
Oh poet! You are my eyes' mind what cannot see but to think.
[n/a] nentwined › Geschäftsreise 10-Nov-03/5:59 AM Reply
Hmm. Yes. Confused is.

sorry. (it's what one gets at a poem a day)
[n/a] abecedarian › nentwined 10-Nov-03/12:11 PM Reply
Actually I agree with INTRANSIT, I was merely echoing your sentiment in my own confusing way.
[n/a] nentwined › abecedarian 10-Nov-03/12:30 PM Reply
oh, erm, why, thank you, then. :)

I'm honestly amazed by the votes it's getting.

It's the middle stanza of something that didn't really work right (imo), though the full thing is getting kudos also, elsewhere. I'm really having to wonder if people are just being nice to me.

http://www.livejournal.com/community/100poems/743629.html
[0] horus8 10-Nov-03/1:21 AM Reply
Thank god for the last two sentences becauses I almost wretched from Ikea poetry overload.
[n/a] nentwined › horus8 10-Nov-03/5:58 AM Reply
mind time doubt rhyme, drought dribble. :)
[10] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 10-Nov-03/4:51 AM Reply
I have become convinced that the sole purpose of this poem is to deliberately confuse the reader so greatly that when he finally deciphers the claptrap within, he confuses his enormous relief that the ordeal is over with a sense of joy and beauty-appreciation. 10!!!1
[n/a] nentwined › -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 10-Nov-03/5:58 AM Reply
I knew (knew?) that it was bad, but y'all are confusing me like no other. picture give rhyme dribble!
[9] INTRANSIT 10-Nov-03/6:23 AM Reply
Call me wierd. I like it as is. It makes sense to me. It's just a request from a reader to a poet for some things. It works. But I don't like (dribble) . trickle , maybe. Dribble makes me think of infirm people.
[8] Shuushin 10-Nov-03/2:33 PM Reply
WHAT A PIECE OF CRAP!!

(actually, I only said that to give you a sense of balance - it has a light feeling to it, and a very nice cadence, that wins over any feelings of 'easy' rhyme).

Maybe could do with replacing the word "rhyme" - but, really it's fine as is.
[n/a] nentwined › Shuushin 10-Nov-03/4:31 PM Reply
what would you replace rhyme with?

and I'm leaning towards not using dribble; thoughts on that? there's a suggestion above... trickle. Which I like worse. I'm thinking... hmm. No, maybe I am thinking dribble. I need a thesaurus. ;)

[[thesaurus.com:

distill, drip, drivel, drizzle, drool, drop, leak, ooze, run, salivate, seep, slaver, slobber, spout, squirt, trill, weep

]]

hmm. I kinda like weep. DRIZZLE. Yes. I think v2 will be drizzle. ;)
[8] Shuushin › nentwined 11-Nov-03/7:07 AM Reply
Well, since you asked - maybe another verb, maybe something beginning with "f": fling me, find me, flip me, you could come up with a good one, surely.

as for dribble... if made to stop and ponder the word, as you have just done to me, it brings to mind an old man who can't quite relieve himself, or who can't stop ... or a chocolate desert topping; and that's a bit disturbing [that I have both images together]. I'm telling myself that for the latter I was thinking of "drizzle", so that would work well, I like that one.

As an aside, you can pretty much shuffle the first words of the last three lines around without changing the meaning - but the first line has picture and paint together working well. Maybe you could do something like that with the other lines, though it might mess with the cadence if you aren't carefull.

I notice that drizzle and drought would go... hand and time would work too... okay, my head is starting to hurt, but maybe you have enough ideas for another piece.
[10] NoSage 10-Nov-03/4:16 PM Reply
Very well done. Finally, a poet.I was wondering if I might find one here.
[n/a] nentwined › NoSage 10-Nov-03/4:31 PM Reply
Hmm. There are many poets here, and despite all the flattery I don't. Eh. Nice to meet you, in any case. But, I was going to say--there are many poets here, some of them are just very good at hiding. And they do tend to be overwhelmed by folks who think they are poets. Who are in turn overwhelmed by those that poke fun at anything. Some of whom are poets. And some of whom think they are poets. And there are overlaps all about.
[10] NoSage › nentwined 10-Nov-03/4:43 PM Reply
Yes, Sliver has brought me kindof up to date on that, I just found out today that he writes and I was pleasantly surprised with a few of his. What do you think of finishing the poem with /sustain me throughout/then find a way to change L2?
[n/a] nentwined › NoSage 10-Nov-03/4:53 PM Reply
to drop the syllables in l2 to match the last?

I'll ponder it. I admit the beauty is probably the weakest line. But I like its flow.
[8] richa › nentwined 11-Nov-03/8:06 AM Reply
I think the syllable sounds of a word are more important than syllables per line. That is why the flow of different haikus can be so variable.

The only problem I see here is forestall (the same as stall?) it seems to stop my reading dead.
[10] NoSage 10-Nov-03/5:05 PM Reply
Picture me a poem with the paint of a mind,
give me a beauty that will last through time,
rhyme me a reason to forestall all doubt,
dribble me words to sustain me throughout.
Nothing major, it seems to flow better like this
[7] Mona Lisa 12-Nov-03/4:27 AM Reply
Line 4 makes this.
[n/a] nentwined 12-Nov-03/6:04 AM Reply
:studies line 4 carefully:

thank you.

Dribble didn't throw you? ((there's movement for the b's to be replaced by z's))
[10] Bhaskaryya 23-Jan-05/1:50 AM Reply
Classy!! Beautiful work!
[7] Heather Dee 6-Sep-05/2:31 AM Reply
Cute I like it!