Re: The Conqueror Worm by zodiac	Sasha 69.138.236.63	4-May-04/2:28 PM
However, I might add, it doesen't make a lot of sense; it doesen't have to though to be good.
Re: Vodka kisses & the final sigh. by SupremeDreamer	INTRANSIT 205.188.116.68	4-May-04/2:30 PM
Yes. Small nits. Stogies-dump'em. Cigar even works better. Lose (quite) add comma. The bloody morning-suggesting a bloody mary, excellent. Over all 01.
Re: Vodka kisses & the final sigh. by SupremeDreamer	richa 81.178.232.136	4-May-04/2:49 PM
very good, your best vilanelle yet
Re: Funeral of My Childhood by Spindle	some deleted user 68.66.196.168	4-May-04/3:27 PM
Was the baby stillborn? The rhymes are mostly forced and do not add to the cadance. It's a good rhythm and a good story, but unless you can make the rhymes flow easily without attracting to themselves, I think it's best to do without.
Re: As Catullus Said (Updated and Revised) by Sasha	zodiac 67.240.192.52	4-May-04/3:48 PM
Cipote, Do you do requests? I'm looking for an English translation for Jacques Brel's "Ne Me Quite Pas" that goes with the melody and doesn't sound utterly gay, unlike my French.
Re: Where Have All the Punk Rockers Gone? by wilco	-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 131.111.212.215	4-May-04/4:07 PM
LET'S SEE YOU DAAAAAANCE SUCKA YOU GOT NOTHIN ON ME
Re: Where Have All the Punk Rockers Gone? by wilco	zodiac 67.240.192.52	4-May-04/4:11 PM
"Just give me a beat that I can dance to!" -zodiac's ace band, The Brotherhood of the Righteous and Harmonious Fist
regarding some deleted poem...	wilco 24.176.102.131	4-May-04/4:12 PM
sad, and unfortunately, very common I think.
regarding some deleted poem...	<~> 64.252.164.251	4-May-04/4:19 PM
choose your comment: a. this poem is almost theere, but misses in several inconsistencies. too bad the mirror didn't miss. b. >> It's mid day in Florida, >> northbound, under a hazy sun. >> In the median, three tall birds stand, >>underestimating. --this part here: you’re giving set direction. can’t you show us without telling us? I won’t suggest how--I know you like to work these things out on your own. the ‘underestimating’ is fantastic, though. it sets you right up for the danger. >> The closest, pure white, takes flight >> arcing in earnest, and it's... nice sounds, here >> "Oh, I know you didn't just....." now this has me confused--are you saying this to yourself? to the bird? and just because it confuses me doesn’t mean I don’t like it. or think it doesn’t work--it does work. and maybe because it confuses me, it works better. >> I close one eye and hunker >> expecting a sudden and bleeding passenger. good, except, I don’t know if I’m able to believe that a lightweight egret could bash through a rig window…of course, I could be very wrong. >> The bird misses the windshield >> and thumps against the right mirror bracketry >> held firm by the seventy-mile-per-hour wind. ‘held firm’? how about ‘pinned’ to sharp-sound against ‘wind’ >> Peripheral vision beckons. oy! passive voice when you’ve just snapped an angel in half!!! rich, make the language form work for you! make the glint in the glass cut your disbelieving eye or some such aggressive thing! >> Can I stomach what mess there may be? this is author intrusion. let the reader deal with his own messed-up emotions; don’t tell him how to react. it’s stronger if he feels the pangs himself. >> I look straight into its' small grey eye >> as its' head bobs gently to the roadway. bobs may not be the right word to preced ‘to the roadway’--it could bob to you--but perhaps it falters towards the asphalt? >> Carte de visite. why? a feather would serve this end, if it was forced in the cracked window--but the whole bird? that’s more than a calling card, to me. >> I click the four-ways on and slow and ease >> to the shoulder. >> The bird slides. yes, slow it down, now. but I’d have like to read the panic in the pace before this denouement. >> Slower >> The bird slides again. >> Slower >> When it finally reached the soft and sandy shoulder, >> there was no bounce. I’d keep it present tense, here. keep us in the action, so we can sit with what ‘s just happened for a bit. don’t close it away so quickly-- “When it finally reaches the soft and sandy shoulder, there is no bounce.” also, give me a personification here, give the bird a life--don’t relegate it to an “it”.
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	4-May-04/5:38 PM
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=75624 Love Sick (Free verse) by Shuushin I can't eat, or won't - nothing settles well. You don't miss me I can tell; you can't deny it - don't. When the veil of long night slips away and I'm left still alone in this bed - acres of satin desert; my head buried in the western hills, dreading the coming sunrise; another emotional theft, something gone, or left unsaid - more blanks to fill in. Sleeping pills, glasses of excellent wine in lesser company; feeling the bed spin. Wondering what's wrong with you, but knowing it’s me.
regarding some deleted poem...	INTRANSIT 152.163.252.165	4-May-04/5:43 PM
You have done something I have been unable to do without "going off" for some time. Most, not all, but most automobile motorists are: A: Not focused/ distracted by other thoughts besides what they are immediately doing (driving)/(your poem) B: Drive at speeds exceeding their skill level. Anyone can drive at one hundred under a clear sky with no other obstacles. C: Drive too fast for most conditions. Even a clear day has hazards or can change. D: Follow too close. However!! I am NOT saying truck drivers are perfect. They are far from it. They do have more focus. And that's a biggie. See what I mean about going off? Just the tip of the iceberg. Whew! Hand me that paper bag over there, would you? Thanks.
Re: Working at the Garden Market by jessicazee	INTRANSIT 152.163.252.165	4-May-04/5:45 PM
impatiens?
Re: Vodka kisses & the final sigh. by SupremeDreamer	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	4-May-04/5:49 PM
*Very* nice, really well suited to the form - Added to my faves.
Re: Funeral of My Childhood by Spindle	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	4-May-04/5:55 PM
-=D_A=-, may we get a score please? I'll echo that its a good story, [surprisingly] not often told. AABB rhyme scheme kicks the crap out of it though.
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	4-May-04/6:07 PM
Liking the Title lots. Last stanza is probably optional - oneish nit, I'd not put the period after "home[.]" (before the quote), and the capital letters before each line take away from the story-telling quality. Nice job, good topic.
Re: Where Have All the Punk Rockers Gone? by wilco	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	4-May-04/6:12 PM
"inverted Darwinian orgy of sound" wow. De-evolution? Good with punk; well said. As for the rest, I wish you could make it flow a little smoother without creating a dichotomy between the punk rock sound and, well - smooth flow.
regarding some deleted poem...	wilco 24.176.102.131	4-May-04/6:20 PM
"Did you ever notice that anyone driving more slowly than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?" -George Carlin
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	4-May-04/6:21 PM
Still like it, but now I have a crit (doesn't cost you in the score though). "Its is the possessive form of the pronoun it and is correctly written without an apostrophe." <~>'s crits were spot on, imho, glad to see some of those changes.
Re: Where Have All the Punk Rockers Gone? by wilco	some deleted user 68.66.196.168	4-May-04/6:35 PM
I don't know the punk rock scene, guess why, but I like the "inverted Darwinian orgy of sound" description of it. If it's festering on the vines, good ridance.
Re: Working at the Garden Market by jessicazee	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	4-May-04/6:37 PM
Title verb could give you a bit more use prolly. "windy" twice in the first? I'm going to go off on that first stanza some more, no abuse intended. Do you really need to *tell* me it's windy? I mean "hats rolling [down] the sidewalk" do that for you, right? Pretty much - "down" is weak to that end though, but easily replaced with maybe a simile. Can you do something with "Hats" - make it more real, less "movie-like"? Figure all that out and apply to the other stanzas and it will help you with this pattern of saying "here is an event", then proceeding to describe the event; "They were yelling/words were loudly played about" kindof thing. The idea is to not need that first [telling] bit. Btw, I didn't spend all these words because I think this sucks, in fact it has a refined feel, especially toward the end - but there is some noise making it difficult to appreciate fully.