that's poetry - brilliant

Great stuff. I love stanzas 4 and 6. Keep up the good work--this site needs it.

Line 13 I'd like to see a comma after-with clarity. The rest seems fine, Cristof got the typos. Model t against ferraris. Vivid !

Good on you for sicking with it. I know the facts, but what if you substituted a peach instead. The colors mix better. Grapefruits tend to be more defined. Not to mention it's an acidic fruit. Ah the challenge of haiku.

For some reason, I want one more couplet. I'm gonna sit with Mage on this. There's GOBS of potential here. Put it away and look at it again in a week.

I think commas would be better than dashes here. “What say you – Conscience” means that what you say is Conscience. But I think you are asking your Conscience what it says.

Some of the rhymes seem forced. It comes out fine in the end though. Is it your wedding vow? Jk

Oh, there’s a lost love in a dark void? Most intriguing.

There's this collective pinna to which you all have emotional ties. It's difficult for all of us (women) to get arround it.

I does not show the bicyclist you went clear over to the other shoulder to pass, knowing that your wind gust might knock her off balance if you passed too close, and her sigh of relief. Was that you?

Its to hard to get into any of your work, no offense but you are a completely hideous writer. Make some things more catchy and less boring to read.

Stanza 6 is great - I love a judiciously used pun. I think the last stanza also sums the whole up very poignantly. I'm afraid I don't know what an EKG is, so I'm not sure if I entirely get stanza 2, though the meaning is clear, but generally I think this is one of the best things I've read on this site.

first three stanzas work, then it all goes John Cage-ish and dischordant. maybe thats the way it goes.... things just fall apart.

sounds like another tragic washed-up teenage story. far too common.

Are you putting the -bottom of class against her heels? Raising her up, Physically and metaphorically, so to speak? It's the only thing that seems to carry no weight. I think the- Oh, bottom of class- is there without the statement.

Better than your last one. Shows more insight that at 15-person should have. "My story will become Just one more volume to Line the Fates shelves" could be shortened or omitted. The "fate" thing is much overdone in poems, not just yours. Try to find a new twist on it. The last two lines are good.

Slips on her heels to achieve the S Of breast and spine, of calf, of self. These lines could start something from her POV. As it is, it gets quite twisted.

agree with Dovina's coments and also with INTRANSIT. this does have a lot more potential, and you have shown us with previous work that you can polish this up.

Hey, I still like cochlea. This seems a little less sensuous than it did before - I'm not sure what other changes have been made - but it seems to me smoother and less memorable. I wouldn't have changed it. But you can't please all the people all the time...

expresses something that i think everyone has felt at some time or another. very true.