Re: Reconstruction by andrewjthomas	unouluvme 66.167.71.91	26-Jan-04/4:19 PM
Huh. I am definitley not your biggest fan. But i like this one. 8 work for you?
regarding some deleted poem...	zodiac 152.30.201.172	26-Jan-04/3:56 PM
Much better.
regarding some deleted poem...	unouluvme 66.167.71.91	26-Jan-04/4:13 PM
nice...i am no proffessional (as you have probably already realized :) ) but i like it, its got style. Nice work. Does a 9 work for you?
regarding some deleted poem...	Shardik 24.126.116.54	26-Jan-04/4:21 PM
You can drop your third comma to obtain perfection.
regarding some deleted poem...	Shardik 24.126.116.54	26-Jan-04/4:25 PM
What was that? Your impersonation of an exploding fork? I see you substituted pain for grammar.
regarding some deleted poem...	Shardik 24.126.116.54	26-Jan-04/4:28 PM
Unless you're a fucking whore.
regarding some deleted poem...	Shardik 24.126.116.54	26-Jan-04/4:30 PM
Another beautiful finger pointing ten year old fart trapped in a singing boner. You are obviously either my mother or related to her, or just a fucking cross eyed toad on the way to tire.
regarding some deleted poem...	Shardik 24.126.116.54	26-Jan-04/4:32 PM
Christ you're horrible, amazingly bad, lovely although you completely suck? I just want you to know? Good.
Re: Reconstruction by andrewjthomas	Goad 217.82.0.76	26-Jan-04/4:41 PM
mmmm, yummy word soup. I'm such a sucker for syncopation. L. 6 feels isolated, can he get a companion clause? L. 8 is too weak rhythmically to stand with the rest, get a spondee or two in there. You could just delete "so" for a spondee. L23-24. get rid of "these" and "of", and match your tenses: I sing battle hymns to Dixie, cotton and unbroken/But it just feels folktale. you wishy washy out near the end! How about "in the end when we heard", and find a way to get rid of courtesy if you can. i agreed with zodiacs suggestions also, except that I don't mind sweet. lol, we had a fight over the word thing once.
Re: Reconstruction by andrewjthomas	-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 163.1.146.87	26-Jan-04/5:12 PM
toilet
Re: Yea u guys by That One	andrewjthomas 192.150.10.200	26-Jan-04/6:39 PM
um, yeah... this is just... yeah... SO bad and hey, if you don't like getting ranked go post your crap somewhere else makes things easier on all of us that way, don't you think?
Re: i'm falling for u damnit! by clumseYdaiseY	-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 163.1.146.87	26-Jan-04/5:31 PM
bum
regarding some deleted poem...	andrewjthomas 192.150.10.200	26-Jan-04/6:32 PM
wow, preachy much? you're never gonna convert anyone with that judgemental tone try reading milton's paradise lost for some good christian poetry
Re: Just Passing Through by southernboy71	andrewjthomas 192.150.10.200	26-Jan-04/6:34 PM
i read in your comments that this was written when you were "at the top of Mt. Eagle in Tenn." at a truck stop throw in some specifics about that place to make this more interesting right now it reads more like monologue than poetry
Re: I Go On by drumrgirl30	andrewjthomas 192.150.10.200	26-Jan-04/6:37 PM
slant rhyme, enjambment, please use these techniques this is also a great candidate for the split couplet form and i think it would really pick up the pace and fit your theme well also, show us WHY you feel this way and have to keep it all bottled inside
Re: Lullaby by Goad	andrewjthomas 192.150.10.200	26-Jan-04/6:49 PM
i agree with z about the war line it doesn't fit and feels cliché unless "war" refers to some other kind of war (internal) and if so, that should be more obvious and even then, i don't know the ampersands also seemed a bit out of sorts with the other proper punctuation personally i would capitalize "Daddy" and break into a new stanza after that sequence additionally the two instances of "I discovered" and "naked" felt repetitious for no discernable reason however, overall you paint a very surreal and eerie feeling that i enjoyed
Re: Winter Is Coming For Me by Goad	andrewjthomas 192.150.10.200	26-Jan-04/6:54 PM
first stanza: its instead of it's i really dislike the entire second stanza, it feels very cliche compared to the rest of the piece third stanza: barren feels too dramatic i thought of this as a potential replacement when i read that line: Leaving my horizon undone. which leads nicely into the next stanza with the sun setting also, nice refrain at the end
Re: Reconstruction by andrewjthomas	http://mulberryfairy 216.195.166.162	26-Jan-04/7:18 PM
Beautiful and dramatic. I can't recommend any changes to its present form. 10
Re: Lullaby by Goad	http://mulberryfairy 216.195.166.162	26-Jan-04/7:34 PM
I think that revealing that it is a dream right away seems apologetic, I would leave those references out until "when I woke up". The pig's ear pouch and the beginning of S3 were my favorites. Maybe I am missing the whole point but "Now I'm gonna sing you a lullaby so at least I'll have something" doesn't seem to work, maybe 'at least we'll have something" or "Now I'm gonna sing me a lullaby"... I got the song reference, but you are singing it for the "you" so how will you have "something". Anyhow, I thoroughly enjoyed it. - 10
Re: Make Love to Me by drumrgirl30	andrewjthomas 66.93.78.35	26-Jan-04/7:42 PM
"body, heart & soul"??? come on, i know you know that this has got to be the worlds most cliche word combo don't you know this??? ugh, this is putrid