Shuushin
on some deleted poem
6 Nov 2003, 6:00 AM
It is very good.
have u used this site be4?
hmm...ok
i like this
love the poem, best one I read 2day <10>
I can't begin to describe how this poeme made me feel. Mostly like breaking all your fingers so you'd never again write anything like "Today I dressed myself in rain" or "We are primates who swallow the keys of freedom/Performing for others voyeuristic preconceptions".
This isn't a poem, it's pretentious guff with line breaks sprinkled arbitrarily throughout. Maybe you should try reading some real poetry by actual poets next time you're thinking of putting a draft of last year's suicide note through an autoformatter and posting it here.
a poem that really brings to life the poem and shouts its point across from start to crescendo.
i liked it and its the best you've written in my opinion 9
heaven is line 5
Well described
"A rose of crimson, a body falling"; nice.
put a dash between k and mart for the english - we just think kmart is NYC street slang otherwise.
full marks fo rthe use of gobbledygook
Shades of dark angel
not bad but how the hell can you hold on to a scar? a scar is embedded
Don't get some of it but line 5 mesmerized me.
fealty is an interesting word choice.
I did not like this one either. I assume you are attempting to say something, but repetitions do not always work.
true as any touch? that makes me think about how true we really are, especially considering recent events in my life.
Is every touch really true?
Well- it bored me, and if this was written to convey that things are not what they seem, you could of written perhaps 4 lines at the most and spared readers from being seriously mislead.
-shrug-
Some really good concepts, like the boxed russian dolls, manufacturing linked with Taiwanese children, sardines brined from stress (sweaty sweaty) - but I think the thing could use a diet, and the meaning wanders a bit, imho (as usual).
for example, the word truth is there a few times too many maybe. Given what is here, ask yourself, again, what point(s) your are trying to make, and make a stab at refocusing it. You may find you have enough trimmings for another poem.
As a final thought - consider changing it to a third person. I know, I know - your poem conveys a personal message of self-definition - but I think you can do that, and hold the readers sympathies better if there is a character involved.