richa
on Backyard by <~>
24 Oct 2003, 12:52 AM
Quite difficult to follow,
I thought mid sentence line breaks only worked when it sets up an expectation, this does not really do that.
It is quite soothing but I think the line breaks interrupt the feeling.
'And I wonder
if the thunder I hear now
is memory or premonition.'
Is beautifully put as is the opener
The end needs to be repaired. Would you like me to do it for you?
I was hoping for slippery tan hips and less pip.
Certainly, if not at least an excuse to step outside and dig out.
The problem with this poem is it was rushed and loses it's wit when one has to go through the process of caring enough to read two cockney fags being absolutely fabulous by trying not to care about fabulous absolutes such as bum cancer which ranks right up there with fly fishing with an old man tied to a tree in an innertube. When, If that was indeed the case, they would,ve blown off their sad attempts at humour long before the finish to instead do what they are good at. Picking callouses while walking the dog!
Premonition.
Hey! This is much better. I'll bump you up to a five.
This begs for repeated reads, and gets better with each one.
Descriptive and fairly technical, yet somehow bland. Like a Rococo painting.
WOW!!!!!11
MEDIOCRITY CODE
01F49D04
http://www.mycgiserver.com/~prawne/code.
Good Light-Hearted ditty. 23.3
Been there. Done that.
My daddy is a Crow. He ate my eye-ball. I could not be wrong, but your are right, I can not dance. 17.4
The image is strong even if the vernacular bugs me a little. Double suffixes (as in "fascistic") drive me crazy and do not read well. "Dark corps" is great in this context. This is on the better side of goth.
I can appreciate a sober thought expressed clearly and simply. Agree with Bill though, the elipse is pointless.
poemranker support : 9
You're a leader richard
Oh my, the locations of instances of 'rain' have similar properties to the locations of actual raindrops. INCREDIBLE!
I feel your pain. And the Coleridge reference is cute.