Shuushin
on "I know what you need!" by A. Nomaly
11 Oct 2003, 5:25 AM
no.... no - NOT THE SWANS!
Hey - I like this.
Fortunately I didn't read your disclaimer until afterward, it might have given away the surprise.
Nice work.
"In perfect position."
Everything about angels is perfection - glad you had that word there.
I didn't notice the repetition with "the gun" as I read it, which is cool.
I think this would be particularly good as a character outline - I feel a story coming on.
... and not a drop to drink.
I like it - I would like it more if the word "almost" killed itself.
maybe replace it with another modifier. like "gentle", or sumfin.
works for me.
Nice as a lyric - I think the second stanza would make a nice refrain.
A beautiful account of sympathy sex gone wild.›
I give you another 10 on this most excellent piece, So that my ink driddles might drop below it where they rightfully belong. This one should always be in the #1
The last line does not fit the rest of the poem very well. A little work on it and this poem would be fairly good.
Like the fact that there is no capitalization. However, I think that if you are not going to have any of that then you should also leave out punctuation. Just my opinion though.
Just testing to see if a message by me is sent to me.
schlock!
Like the main idea of this poem. Some of the lines do not flow well enough with the rest.
Interesting.
Each stanza needs to have more of a flow to the next.
Wow.
I know one