| Re: Just A Dream by Blindpoetry |
cheese.doodles 70.52.170.79 |
15-Mar-07/10:14 AM |
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You're very right: 'Not good - is my expectation!'
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| Re: Blind Settlement by Blindpoetry |
cheese.doodles 70.52.170.79 |
15-Mar-07/10:15 AM |
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| Re: Junky Dreaming by J.B. Manning |
cheese.doodles 70.52.170.79 |
15-Mar-07/10:16 AM |
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I love the first two lines. The rest... meh.
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| Re: Licking An Ashtray by Blindpoetry |
cheese.doodles 70.52.170.79 |
15-Mar-07/10:22 AM |
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Learn to spell. While you're at it, learn to write good poetry.
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| Re: WHY DAD?WHY? by RION12 |
cheese.doodles 70.52.170.79 |
15-Mar-07/10:23 AM |
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I'm sorry about your dad and all, but the poem isn't that good.
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| Re: Provacation by J.B. Manning |
cheese.doodles 70.52.170.79 |
15-Mar-07/10:24 AM |
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Rambling and grating at the same time. Congratulations.
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| Re: Finding Me by beaner14 |
richa 81.179.219.225 |
15-Mar-07/11:43 AM |
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This is a pimple poem. Lots of talking about yourself, and lots of cliche, teen angsty. A reader can't be expected to be too interested in all that and a better poem would attempt to engage with the world around the individual play with metaphor etc. Having said that I like the poem's simplicity (a lot of people fall into the trap of writing clunky overwrought tosh which is something you have admirably foregone), I also like that you have a decent sized block of text that reads so well. I think you have a pleasant writing style.
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| Re: I Am From by beaner14 |
richa 81.179.219.225 |
15-Mar-07/11:49 AM |
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The last three verses are a decent attempt. There are a few problems with the first three though. All the veins, death, soul, pavement cracks, verdant turned grey are a bit clumsy. Im not sure how small balls of dough savor the taste either.
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| Re: The Greek Philosopher Poem; cutting wrists in the bathtub by cheese.doodles |
richa 81.179.219.225 |
15-Mar-07/11:50 AM |
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I cut my wrists as a philosopher. I used Occam's razor.
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| Re: The Greek Philosopher Poem; cutting wrists in the bathtub by cheese.doodles |
richa 81.179.219.225 |
15-Mar-07/11:52 AM |
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I don't really see choking as appropriate. Close to a neat metaphor here.
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| Re: the wind outside by Emma |
richa 81.179.219.225 |
15-Mar-07/12:05 PM |
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I can't really see a fire alarm shaking in the wind. The whole smoking and reminiscing about the clang of a door is a bit dull. There are a couple of promising ideas here. The tree that doesn't bud one spring and is removed and the lights that burn out then bringing the poem back to 'maybe the tree will get replaced'. I like that.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
richa 81.179.219.225 |
15-Mar-07/12:07 PM |
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decapitation by can opener is a horrific thought. Shame on you.
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| Re: love by mango123 |
richa 81.179.219.225 |
16-Mar-07/3:26 PM |
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I don't thin the line breaks work here. With couplets there is little point in using enjambment. I would just write the first three couplets as follows:
Love is burning
you can see it in her eyes.
(or Love is burning you
can see it in her eyes).
Love is burning
you can hear it in his sighs.
(or Love is burning you
can hear it in his sighs).
He feels so old beside Her
and wonders how can this be?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
richa 81.179.219.225 |
16-Mar-07/3:35 PM |
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The 'but' is inappropriate in line 2. You need to get away from the vague naval gazing of days long gone yadda yadda. The poem needs to be more creative more original. Lines like 'We all would be like Einstein trying to perfect/ The game of basketball' are relatively interesting. Needs more of that.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
horus8 76.170.36.27 |
16-Mar-07/5:49 PM |
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| Re: Stolen Moments by mango123 |
maggiem11001 70.226.87.75 |
16-Mar-07/10:02 PM |
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wow you really did a good job on this. i like it a lot
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
nypoet22 147.70.245.135 |
17-Mar-07/7:58 AM |
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put immature before forever, not after. and the word snared isn't right. trapped? stuck?
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| Re: A Lesson by nypoet22 |
Dovina 208.127.114.209 |
18-Mar-07/8:07 PM |
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You must be a good teacher if they react in any way at all.
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| Re: Whispers the Pariah by Enkidu |
Dovina 208.127.114.209 |
18-Mar-07/8:11 PM |
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Take the l out of suckling
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| Re: Untitled by Dovina |
richa 81.179.219.225 |
19-Mar-07/11:09 AM |
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Haiku is not the skill of getting bogged down in maudlin sentiment in a handful of syllables.
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