nentwined
on Falling by Lifeboatman
14 Sep 2003, 9:38 PM
cute.
strange.
10
good.. 10
0...
chop it up, still.. 10
"staring" not "starring".
a common theme. This doesn't stand out for me.
though a bit of curiousity in "hiding in the shadows" and being afraid of "them all" (the shadows you're hiding in, or all the staring people that aren't there?)
moon is good.. ending sucks.. ending in you, still..
liked it.. 10
I found the first stanza overly long, a slippery slope of "so what?". the second rather cliche. the third a good question. and the answer... not worth the rest of it. :/
"As if my life could get more rough." you mean "couldn't"?
trite.
how is this a concrete poem? [[ah, further down: lyric. you can change that, you know ;)]]
Some of this makes me think of you talking about your brother: "how to work/when your face is before me?" and"The quiet mirrored in your face". This seems less crafted, less chosen than most of what i've seen, with the exception of "scratchy..."
Some of it also feels like an echo (Hamlet quote!), or echos itself, but that can't be helped in a collection of vignettes.
It is refreshing, i did enjoy the show.
i find the message very important, and very resonant, but i miss the...umm...the word i'm looking for is not exactly mysticism, but maybe the...ambiguousness of your other poems? "Pinochet himself reveals the public to him"--i found that chilling, though.
Here i am, as promised. After reading everything else you've written, this seems very formal.
i enjoy the Shakespearean-ness of it all, and it's very well planned, but somehow it doesn't speak as much to me as some of your "Notes" did.
Maybe today's just not my day for deliberate :)
you've got some good (if not overdone) material, but the execution of it leaves room for polish. or a couple more tries. I'd suggest losing the first stanza and getting straight into the action. less generic angst, more bloody details, more specific emotion, less... less of every other poem on this subject.
I like this. could use some spit and polish, but I'm not quite sure where. 9.
why the dash in snoring?
I don't get it. :/
A couple matters of rhythm bug me, but I like the tone.
hmm.