William Delacroix
on some deleted poem
4 Sep 2003, 6:42 AM
Some nice imagery, but I prefer the direct, explicit approach rather than the metaphorical one.
POOPY
so many things wrong with this.
Still nevermind, I'm sure the kids'll laugh
ha ha ha hahhhhhhhgggggGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
this has a nice start, but ye gods! all the extra words!
can glean away some of the little words, to make it cut with a sharper edge?
and, the ending feels like a bit of a cop-out after that details you gave at first.
this has a lot of potential, especially since you have grasped the idea that specific details make a poem real.
an adept use of religious language.
'yeast baptized in wine' is a good idea, I think it says people feasting with bread and wine. There is no need for baptized though, the (red) wine of communion is sufficient to make the christ reference. Some of the bigger words seem to impede the flow, so it is best to have no redundancy.
I like 'a carpenter dying on wood' an interesting irony to point out
the last line is a bit infantile, and destroys the flow.
Other than that it has a rather good lyrical flow, a bit like a rap song. And a rap song about the one and only me is hardly original.
But overall quite enjoyable
women have bodily fluids but I'm not sure they have fluid bodies.
'Scarlet' and the like are horrible words to use because they sound as if they have been contrived, if you are not going to draw a comparison with some other object you might as well say red.
Doesn't seem to follow in many parts 'yet.. we struggle
to pierce the curtain of the night. Why yet, as the light is dying it would be expected you could not pierce the night.
It all looks too much like the writer is aiming for some template of a good poem, you get all the right words in but there is no sense of an image.
all right pig. first, it's a good idea.
i agree that you don't need baptized--that was john's gig anyway. no apos. in pilums, please, and the spelling you were looking for is "chalice" not:
chal·lis - n. A soft, lightweight, usually printed fabric made of wool, cotton, or rayon.
i think you also meant 'covering' not coveting. christ was never a coveter.
i don't think that the 'consumed by judas' line is working.
the way you have the hammer blows is awkward. hammers strike blows, but only the wind and your favorite girlfriend actually 'blow'.
also, there were be no dew, at noon, the traditional hour of crucifixion.
carpentr dying on wood--very nice.
uttering his final words to the four winds--very pagan notion. did you mean it to be so? heaven and earth would be more of a christian reference.
judas belches from consumption? TB?
resurrection is generally associated with dawn, not sunset, and i think you will need to work this line a little harder to convince me that you meant the irony.
whew.
all in all, lots of good ideas that don't dive into cliche. just needs a tune up. no vote until then, pig.
cool.
do you want a comma in s4, after beneath?
nice job, here.
this could be half, and more effectively so.
Good grief. I do hope you were married *before* any sexual intercourses took place. I shall abstain from voting until you give me a straight answer. Thanks. -no vote submitted-
posted this a while ago, And somewhere else where a couple of people slated it.
Thinking of editing it, perhaps building a place around the kind of narrative.
Any pointers
yeah ok, could do with being a bit shorter.
I got the point early on and you just kept repeating it.
Turd in your hat at the front door, get your coat and shovel off fag, nigger, bone between my teeth. in your last life your my bitch and I hated your first name.
wow, all that scarlet and crimson! hard not to get cliched, here, especially when talking about passion, the heart.
actually, i like the way you used fluid to describe her body. i can easily picture her seductive movements. but i think you should play up on that and instead of 'peaks' use another water metaphor, for consistency. that's my $.o2.
Its ok up to half way, then it loses its meter at 'old and grey' and nothing really happens