<{Baba^Yaga}>
on some deleted poem
13 Aug 2003, 5:42 PM
Zen
I like the repition of "under a".
1) "it is I, the troubled voyeur" (needs a comma)
2)overrides is one word
I think this would be more effective if you didn't label the "retard" until the end when you make your statement "we're all freaks or retards", let your images show the reader what is wrong with him. Did you see the movie "Pumpkin"? You might enjoy its dark humor around this subject.
I loved these lines.
"i see the fresh PALM Pilots dashed whole
from the Rock, i
try not to look
where they pile up."
I think that is beautiful, seriously.
hrm. for some reason, i liked "unburden" much better. the last line is more *you*, i think, than most of the rest.
the first half, especially, resonates.
beautiful not necessarily in the use of words or precision of language, but in the idea it provides the contours of. something i have felt as well. kudos.
Well written (beautiful even), but even such splendid costumes as these cannot disguise grumpy old men with poor eyesight.
But these codgers were much more entertaining than an afternoon with the rational sociologists.
Just never go to Texas with this attitude because EVERYONE from Texas is a gun-totin' cowboy waitin' fer ta sling yer furner ass in a noose.
I think if you really wanted to be clever this would be a two part poem:
1.) Japan L.A.
2.) U.S. Kyoto
Because only Japan's culture is as fucked up as America's
Certainly better than blue-mountain, but not quite the chorus to Henry V:
"O, pardon! since a crooked figure may
Attest in little place a million;
And let us, ciphers to this great accompt,
On your imaginary forces work."
This is the most personal of your poems i've seen--again, i'm always curious of your circumstances when you're writing....
It's good for you.
Stop watching Anna Nicole Smith your obsessed man !
As for the boobs, well summer and men seem to come and go quicker than a posh wank 9
You crack me up.
Very ... now? present? here? not quite sure *what*, exactly, but it's there. In general, alive.
no "pretenses", at any rate.
mulberry is right with what they said. It does need a little work. I can't judge much though due to all my working sucking as of late. I can understand everything you're saying to well. I just got out of a relationship a few months ago that was just like what you wrote about. Felt the same way. -9- (Only because it brought back the memories I had once felt)
i "like".
Use some word other than "precious" 2x.
I would paranthesize "(not his birthday)".
I hope your friend's bird-day was happy.
http://mulberryfairy
on The Lordy only knows why tornados have no nose by Bachus
13 Aug 2003, 8:03 PM
Why would anyone need 2 games of twister? I hate Twister, I always end up with my hand next to some kid's sweaty socked foot.
This is the ultimate betrayal, now that I know and love you I find that you just want to sever my quivering boob? (and why just one?) I, too, have this interest in breasts, but have directed it to a healthier outlet. (that is right, I am a lactation consultant)