EAger to Offend
on Memorial Park by Mona Lisa
11 Aug 2003, 10:45 PM
This is exactly that combination of vivid and vague that I speak of in "A Brand New Eye".
First haiku I've liked in a while!
http://mulberryfairy
on (getting used to spending too much time with myself) by Patsy
12 Aug 2003, 9:53 AM
I liked it.
I find this to be a little messy for you. But the storytelling shows promise. Judging by your comments here you know just what needs working.
pretty enjoyable read
Would certainly go down well at a rally
A bit prosaic and lacking.
I like the idea of fog as burning away (like smoke).
Unless you are about to delve deep into philosophy I would leave 'the only thing real' well alone because it just sounds cliched.
your writing always speaks of a writer of quality (and laziness)
An enjoyable read. Didn't get if you misspelled destroy on purpose, or if "distroy" means something else? I don't think destroy, if that is what you intended, is needed in the second line- why wouldn't Lucifer be more specific?
Nice revisions. I like the travelling of the paper much more than the original. Made it seem like a different poem.
I think this would be WAY stronger if you didn't spoon-feed us the metaphor. Don't underestimate the reader unless you're writing for pre-teens.
"ready" or willing?
I don't usually take to such popular images. But, when they're done this well I see just why they are popular in the first place.
what good is chess pieces when i eliminated the board, stole the crown, and then made the kingdom laugh at your face? lol. cmon now, this was one big cliche.. chess.. THINK HARDER!!!!!!!! 4.
Not sure why the title is parenthesized is it because it is somehow incedental.
I like the lively use of language
'victims of a grape' sounds out of place though
OK at least shows signs of wanting to get to grips with the subject
nICE
Yeah, that was nice. I thought the images at the beginning were more powerful (the "lifting through a hole in the morning" and the dead bird's wings "marking it's grave
and signaling that its spirit survived the collision" were great) more than the ending with the falling tree frond. Though I can see how you'd keep it that way if that was the order of events in real life. If you like roadkill stories, check out Ode to a Fox, in my archives.
Yes, very nice. You did a great job of showing how the narrator wasn't allowing herself to be just a victim of his somewhat abusive sex. Powerful.
Line 3 should say "every way"
3 lines up from the bottom should say "your heart"
This was a good idea, but could use improvement- I would take all of the heart and love references out and make it less obvious that you are talking about dating/love. You should make the chess pieces move with verbs that also have sexual connotations.
This is the kind of end of the day meditation that my co-workers would love and make copies of and pass around the office. Didn't work as well as a poem, for me.
fuck off motherfucker.