SupremeDreamer
on The Cereal Killer Blues by <{Baba^Yaga}>
10 Aug 2003, 11:36 PM
nice start, id finish it, but im no song writer. ;)
This poem has a familiarity to it that I can't quite put my finger on. Probably because, it happened to me just like that once.
A superb piece, and very fresh. One of my favourites of yours. be proud, good work.
well done. 10.
Hey cheeks! I miss you, how are you?
Why not?
Kamasutra
don't leave us hanging.. i want to find Jesus too.. 10
loved it... very detailed description.. makes me want to see it too... 10
Very atmospheric. I guess the movement from a bridlepath to a TV represents a move from nature to mechanisation, from reality to depiction.
Something about the rhythm makes me expect some more rhyming, which doesn't come, thus confounding my expectations. Which is an excellent thing to do.
Sore on the eyes huh? You should see what it did to my tissue collection.
"Inside your bed a naked love toy lays,
About to fall to knees break down over weighted,"
Okay, bear with me here. Is it just me? Or do others see an obese housewife accidentilly bottoming out on a giant 5 speed nob veined vibrator?".
Well depicted and you took me there. I must get round to reading your other stuff = 9
One thing L4,S2 (the ocean)
With exception to stanza 1 I thought this was well written. I've seen all the comments below about you being lazy lately but there are some vivid touches in this poem (stza 2/3/5 particularly).
One thing I have learned (you may have the same problem) writers need to be selfish, I suffer from being thoughtful but will NEVER leave a poem half way through if my gal asks me something.
No one it seems understands us, heres your 8
I normally hate poems about poets but this held my attention and there's some suave lines in this one. I think the last line fucks its up, its damming the flow bro 7
lovely... 10
Surely you could have an iambic haiku (although not one in nice Shakespearean pentameters). Well, sort of. It could go like this:
Life is to short to
burn our boats. We sit and dream
of moats and views and.
Problem is you have an odd number of syllables, so you're always going to have an uncompleted foot at the end. Note this example uses only words of one syllable.
This is more like a mass of teen angst thought processes weaved in to a poem. The end is too general and I wanted to see more imagination. Its not terrible its just formulaic, routine stuff. Try working with a few metaphors and add a bit more imagination and less cliche. *5*
HAIRY!!!! OMG ITS A GORILLA! heh. 8.
lmao. so when are you going to write a book? ;P 10
Without a doubt, a masterpiece. That was Ace. -10-