| Re: Celui by half.italian |
Ranger 81.103.124.179 |
12-Feb-07/11:46 AM |
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I don't think you need anything beyond the third line.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Ranger 81.103.124.179 |
12-Feb-07/11:51 AM |
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The rhythm needs fixing in a few places on my reading, that and a bit of punctuation tweaking. Bracket the fourth line and make it "(such a fool)".
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| Re: The Ballad of Andy Thomas (A True Story) by Rakesh Rajani |
Ranger 81.103.124.179 |
12-Feb-07/11:54 AM |
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"He proved as popular at school as a quick glass of AIDS" is the greatest -=Dark_Angel=- tribute line I think I've ever seen. -10-! And for the Warhammer reference you get double AIDS. -10- -20-
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| Re: Captured by Dovina |
ecargo 167.219.88.140 |
12-Feb-07/12:10 PM |
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Good lord, step away from your gramma's soft core porn. " . . . held huskily in fluted flesh . . ." LOL! How does one hold something "huskily"? (Being a "weaker vessel," I guess mah sens-a-bilities are jes' a little tendah.)
I feel a little dirty, as if I should have changed my pantaloons after watchin' the big, strong stableboy shovel out the stall ('cause surely some shit was being slung). The focus on the hand is pretty good, but the rest borders on pre-sexual-emancipation bad-romance-novel cliche.
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| Re: The Ballad of Andy Thomas (A True Story) by Rakesh Rajani |
ecargo 167.219.88.140 |
12-Feb-07/12:14 PM |
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ace rhyming of pitch and six.
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| Re: self-suffocation by Phalkon |
Ranger 81.103.124.179 |
12-Feb-07/3:06 PM |
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And you never actually answered SupremeDreamer's (valid) question: what are you talking about when you say 'i tendons tear apart'?
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| Re: The Medium of Dunce by Ranger |
Dovina 75.82.86.162 |
12-Feb-07/6:18 PM |
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I stumbled over the âNotâ in line 4. Omitting it makes a better read for me, but you probably have something else in mind, perhaps that she doesnât understand the visions in the glass, but can only speak them. Also, the semicolons distract, and would better become commas for this reader. I love line 2 = 8. Well crafted.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
half.italian 76.172.249.205 |
12-Feb-07/8:44 PM |
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It paints a good picture in my head. I almost think you should stay with the rhythm through the last last line. ie. 'alone in bed.'
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| Re: The Medium of Dunce by Ranger |
half.italian 76.172.249.205 |
12-Feb-07/8:51 PM |
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I think you sacrafice something here trying to fit your meaning into rhyme. Nice imagery though.
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| Re: Swansong by MacFrantic |
half.italian 76.172.249.205 |
12-Feb-07/8:56 PM |
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The rhyimg doesn't seem to work. I also don't like the two 'ing' endings right next to each other on line 3. The last four lines, on the other hand are great. The rhyme works and the words all well put.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
half.italian 76.172.249.205 |
12-Feb-07/9:06 PM |
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I tend to like more rhythm and fewer, more precise words in poetry. That being said, it is a story well told.
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| Re: A Part of Me by Quarton |
half.italian 76.172.249.205 |
12-Feb-07/9:15 PM |
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I like it overall. The puncuation and grammar errors throw me off though. If you are going to use form to help your poem, use it to make it more readable. The form here makes it harder to read I think. Also, "with my beliefs though, I can no longer take refuge in them knowing" This sentence is grammatically incorrect. I think :)
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| Re: The Ballad of Rakesh Rajani, Court Reporter by Rakesh Rajani |
Ranger 81.103.124.179 |
13-Feb-07/5:44 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
some deleted user 64.140.228.165 |
13-Feb-07/5:55 AM |
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A good write, Rockmage. It left me wanting more--another stanza might benefit this truley decent (or should I say indecent) piece of work.
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| Re: The Medium of Dunce by Ranger |
some deleted user 64.140.228.165 |
13-Feb-07/6:06 AM |
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This is really good Ranger--one of the better posts I've seen in a while. I love the rhyme scheme--it's smooth and unforced; an excelent piece of writing.
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| Re: Captured by Dovina |
some deleted user 64.140.228.165 |
13-Feb-07/6:20 AM |
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A good job of interweaving the images of roughness and softness--a nice write D.
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| Re: The Ballad of Rakesh Rajani, Court Reporter by Rakesh Rajani |
Edna Sweetlove 85.210.229.135 |
13-Feb-07/11:56 AM |
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I think we all know who wrote this. Not as good as Allenby. You're on a downward slope.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Edna Sweetlove 85.210.229.135 |
13-Feb-07/11:57 AM |
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Fucking witty. I like a good tribute poem. "Mould", not "mold" dear. Use English spelling, not ignorant Yank crap.
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| Re: OI! The Brown Flame by SupremeDreamer |
Edna Sweetlove 85.210.229.135 |
13-Feb-07/11:58 AM |
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| Re: The First Date by John Rambo |
Edna Sweetlove 85.210.229.135 |
13-Feb-07/12:01 PM |
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