horus8
on Herne by OneFingerAnswer
29 Jun 2003, 1:55 PM
"In that boggy bottom plight"
"He rode upon the bay" Unless he owns it?
can you say
retarded?
was it written in shit?
Ack Bassward (freeverse) by TPBOD edited by horus8
Woke up early.
Right around sunset.
Made myself a bowl of whiskey ala cancer stick.
Gobbled it down,
and followed it up black label to red
with a screwdriver (a flathead).
Walked outside to my tone lemon motor tryke.
Got on and drove to the lake.
Four miles off a dirty road on a child's bike.
So here I am.
Just sitting on the shore of this
Salton Sea inferno impersonating a hangout.
When along comes this girl with a shake as clout.
She's selling her virginity first hand over fist.
So I figure why not?
After all, her glow is kinda first & last kiss.
I no sooner have it than she goes whore.
Being a new virgin and naive
to what explored, she took it back from me
changed but not sore.
Bitterly disappointed I ran off in a huff.
After walking for an hour, gone mad in the buff
I reached the dirtiest roads end.
Where the pavement begins.
But being of foul temperament & nude,
I decide to use my thumb to pull a ride.
Along came a biker, he said, "Tis warmer inside".
Still retaining all of my stupidity,
I decided against my better judgment brilliantly.
and got on the back with a smack.
Shortly there after, I was brought to the bar where he gathered with his pack.
With Mod whispers they talked
of things that could be.
Sensing my impending doom I optioned to flee.
A smokey bar with guards at the exits,
but none watching the bathroom.
So I walk in proclaiming 'a lizard drain',
and whom should I meet with nothing to gain?
A man clearly not able to hold his own liquor.
So he held everyone elses & slept on the floor.
Much as I hated myself, I stole his floral blouse.
I then proceed to sneak out the window and creep out to where my mustached host had parked.
I watched in terror as they pulled the drunken lout out where he was beatin stinky with a trout.
Oddly enough the police arrived shortly there after and I was put into a cage for being nude
without a gown or a cathater.
I told my story convincing with winks
Until a shrink came in with a pen, but no ink.
Suddenly I was two feet tall,
and the cat lost my tongue.
I ended up confessing to everything.
Boy the songs this bird sung.
There after in the cell right next to me.
Was a man selling more than his dignity.
For a cigarette and a favor,
I didn't intend to live up too,
he let me have it, twice, what can a boy do?.
Shortly there after, again,
I managed to convince them that I was insane.
They put me alone in my cell and the shrink
came once again, this time with ink and no name.
Again I became two mighty scared feet,
but this time I ran out under all of their heat.
I threw myself in through a laundry shoot.
In the washing machine room I got to feeling cleaner and grew back.
Maybe if I dressed like them
they'd cut me some slack?
I left twirling my night stick
& never looked back.
spooge
Nothing you want me to hear I can say.
I don't get that line. Maybe something like:
What you want to hear isn't what I have to say
The last half of the 3rd stanza seems a little muddled too.
Boy, when I watch the gears in your mind spin, I have to reassure myself that there's always sundials just in case me and you are the last two alive.
Because in the real world that wouldn't happen, and in a imaginary world it would be considered unimaginatively boring, unorganic as far as the story goes, and irrelevant first off. Secondly, it's not my style, I tailored it to you. If it was mine, it wouldn't be posted because it has NO focus, no center. What you've done here is invented something better left to lie around longer in the hopes of being put to better use than that.
1) It's horrendously long.
2) has the shape of pigeon shit on a slow moving vehicle.
3) Attempts wildly to be cool and different, but insteads winds up cold and humorless.
4) Starts off at something worth writing about & ends up at something not worth reading entirely. Muwahhaha or not.
5) Writing is an exercise in communicating specific ideas. not to listen to yourself be unspecific
have you ever asked generic questions over and over again?
sandy vaginas
mmmmmmmm...
Yes, I have loved. But she didn't feel it.
And yes-It hurt
Not too bad bro'. Pain exposed on paper.
You must have got a laugh out of that blue ten at least?
YEAH AHAHAHAHAHA this is the best poem you have ever written it kinda reminds me of nude envelopment site but still its great the last two lines make it! i dont really get the virgin girl bit tho....am i being dense?
the 'first I met' and 'subsequent' every verse makes this look a bit like a list rather than something more cohesive.
gnome and dome seems a little contrived
yoda and pepsi cola is funny and modern and nice touch to end every verse with a none rhyme having rhymed through the verse. It kind of asks a question of what is coming next.
Cute! i think DA has an obsesson with you - congrats! Dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians.
"and did do convincingly" please don't be a booger eater on my shift. Remove the 'do' for christ sake. And never use a mediocre movie for the last line of a poem, ever. And being a Bitch is inherited actually, normally from a feminine role model in close constant vicinity during the rearing of the said CHILD.
Dude, you need to go out on the town or to the lake with someone that knows what in the fuck they are doing, because this is reaching everywhere and getting no where. can I edit it for you? Good god I split my pants just about roaring at your observations, not that they are shite, just put to structure with a style and mood that's boring and to riskless. Let me edit this and teach you my style for handling this kind of predicament. Deal?
Have you ever beaten yourself unrecognizable with a poorly strung tennise racket?