show, don't tell

inbumnia

Perhaps, it's the cotton candy wind chimes a chiming. Then again it could be the knock of fortune at the mother door.

wow. you're awesome

How about chorus times 5 and a half? With no fade out, ever.

very well structured, very nice iambic and ryhme i would suggest working on the couplet at the end... it feels a little stilted

ROBERT GOULET RACK OF LAMB

with a sigh or a grunt?

Please tell me this was an exercise in pure cynicism. Because this is to poetry what kareokee is to poetry.

I personally feel at a loss when I'm grasping art that I cannot sense.

I cried or wept blood would be a stonger action. The Eldorado reference sucks and so does the emo thing lose them, and then maybe you'll be closer. To what? I have no fucking clue.

"as the pyramids burn" Be smart, change this to librarys, because of the obvious, that being the impossibilty of burning stone, ever. And definitrly add more commas and fix Phoenix immediately. Because that is one of those mispells that can't slide by, ever.

"Amongst the many and the few". Yeah, kind of like an out of order soda machine at an airport in Syracuse. "On a throne of sorrow shall he sit" No, croutch. "The rebuilder of shattered dreams" I think what you meant to say was scattered legumes.

Jason not getting any?

lol..great ending...JASON.

You didn't learn much.Little baby made me laugh though.3

I am always impressed by vilanelles, like the bit about cant shoot dope and a busy social bee

I agree with devina, this song is excellent

<SeAsIdE ReTrEaT> So many bathers. Then, washed ashore with the tide: an old man's nappy

ah the old I'm the only sane one concept I like how it speeds up at the end, but perhaps in need of a few more ideas