Ranger
on Procession by Fear of Garbage
27 Apr 2003, 6:34 AM
Strange, yet beautiful in a weird kind of way.
I wouldn't trust an undertaker either. 8
I like this better.
sepulchral, or sepulcher, but not what you have, because it's not a word. Other then that, there are about ten grammaric goof ups and a couple other typos, but it's the thought that counts.
Petals crack, dust dry.
An arid earth wets its lips.
Beautiful last time.
Distance glosses eons come undone? Please.
Where bravery is your wealth? hahahahahaha
Great use of "Heaven" to rhyme with "seven"!!!
Um, if the subject has already died, don't give them an active role in the physical world, except for possibly getting decomposed and eaten by small worms.
If the subject hasn't already died, don't say that they have.
Having said that, upon a further read I can see that maybe the reason nobody takes the subject's hand is because the subject is dead and nobody wants to hold hands with a dead person. How cunning.
I think you're probably right about needing more work.
What's with all the capitals?
I think this one's better than overdose
This would sound cool if you did it real fast and punk. Its the basic pretty girl doesnt realize im in love with her. But it still has some redeeming qualities. -6-
You excepted the booze because subliminaly, the tv told you to. That, and in real life you're a 52 year old relapsing songwriter for Clint Black.
Great use of the word "Like". Sometimes a metaphor can be too strong, can't it? May I suggest:
DETH-ROSE
Petals fall like bricks;
piloted by vicious prawnes,
they land on my face.
Would you like to hear a true story? Once upon a time I bought these water balloons. I filled one of the water balloons up with some water that I got from this tap so that it became really bulbous because it had loads of tap water in it. It felt really squishy and blobby and organic. So I got some lotion and balmilised it. Then I sat there stroking it and saying the words "mmm yes, it's a good breed".
the changing lines of thought work well with the flowing nature of this poem
Interesting, you seem to have changed the tone of the poem wildly by changing one word
very charming
this is good
One of your own technical structures?
not bad 'tall
Simplistic, beautiful and ironic - I loved it. 10
*blinks*
Wow. 10
Wow again.