Caducus
on Pale Blue Horizon by tranceformer
24 Apr 2003, 9:20 AM
Cool, liked it.
8
Yeah get rid of babydaddy, otherwise a bit of a cult scrawl 7
Nice to know you've got a coach. The woodsman part seemed humorous, to me. And the knigdom manager made it seem like you gave up. Just my view. I'm rather blind at the moment.
fuck all.
now, critically speaking, eliminate the rhymes. they cheapen it.
overload.
i will not be assimilated.
OH GOOD CHRIST NO! MY INNER SEA-HORSE IS BEING ATTACKED BY WHORE SHRIMPS! THE AGONY! THE... bbbbfffghhhhggggttttt.. *gagh* wolverhampton wanderers one, sheffield nil
Wow--this has power. Violent hands/needy tongue, what follows--excellent. Small things: "Muster the guts to swallow" seems awkward to me; also, could "half out of jest, half out of shock" be "in jest, in shock"?; also, I'm not sure I see the difference between untethered and unbound (a nuance I'm missing?). Really well done.
Hi Cad, nice to see this one redone. I like the look of it, but I've got to go. I'll hopefully check back tomorrow and read through more carefully.
I got a love/hate thing going on with this, hmmm
Beautiful. I especially enjoyed "makes you weak / often to the point where you weep". However, may I suggest the following alteration: "makes you weep / often to the point where you weep". Oh, and "soul full of emotion" is the most beautiful thing I have ever read. Ever. Also, great use of lower case letters throughout - it adds a touch of class that I feel is so desperately lacking from contemporary western literature. Now all you need to do is garnish with neat handwriting and a light sprinkling of "i think it's important to smile and yeah so what if i'm different i still have loads of chilled-out friends"
leda is right, it starts strong then gave me a major headfuck
a real mixed bag here, liked the spider connotation(s) but it seems in parts redundant of meaning.6
Good Execution, and the explanation helped.
Eyes on you. 8
Are you plasticgirlwithgun? Where is plasticgirlwithgun I miss that posh forked tongue.
This makes you sound a bit pathetic, insanity is recommended for anyone on ranker, see you in the canteen with angelina and winona and we'll smoke a bleeding fist over processed tuna and big momma.
Be more precise please. "curmudgeon"? Is that really the word you want?
'A cumulus sky...' is a good line, but than you confuse me by stating the sun is scantly clad. How can it be smothered and naked at the same time?
I love the next for lines, though I don't understand them. They sound fantastic, they have terrific weight, but can you make things clearer? Is it possible?
The last stanza is simply a muddle.
Excellent!
Where the fuck is our good friend Osama?
What do dogwoods have to do with it? I'm not being fresh, I really want to know.
lovely.