Re: Fraser's Wedding by Stephen Robins	Edna Sweetlove 85.210.236.219	29-Oct-06/5:07 PM
Disappointing considering your track record.
Re: Suburban Spleen by Sasha	Ranger 62.252.32.15	30-Oct-06/2:19 AM
Excellent - I've missed your villanelles. Typo line 14 - 'unconscious'. Your refrains are extremely well-worked here and keep a constant flow, which isn't easy in a vil. I also quite like the occasional extra rhyme ('on', 'pawn'). It's almost contradictory though, the bleakness contained within such a beautiful form. It seems to demand a certain eloquence of language which undermines all the boredom represented. 'With the nuisance of a ray' is the best line here.
Re: 311006 txt to russia by daniella	half.italian 70.36.242.152	31-Oct-06/3:02 AM
I like this very much. Although the form seems to beg to be rid of line three and four, and replaced with 'rolling across deserts'. You are very close. The title sucks. I love numbers, but they are for math.
Re: leavetaking by daniella	half.italian 70.36.242.152	31-Oct-06/3:20 AM
Im sorry, it's just not written well.
Re: Politick by Wakeboarder20	half.italian 70.36.242.152	31-Oct-06/3:30 AM
We've all seen the three piece suit politician you're talking about. Cigars, briefcases, etc. A poem is much better if you make the point from a DIFFERENT angle. Lead us on a bit, make us work a bit to get to the solution.
Re: Jesus Around Your Neck (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	half.italian 70.36.242.152	31-Oct-06/3:35 AM
Try leading your audience instead of telling them what to think. I hate whining.
Re: Silver Lining by Wakeboarder20	half.italian 70.36.242.152	31-Oct-06/3:50 AM
Cliche anyone? Im not trying to be a jerk, but you need to try to get out of cliche mode. Make your point from a semi-unique angle. If you talk about a specific experience, the obvious points will come though wihtout you having to tell us. Tell us instead about the intricacies of the experience. The name of the poem itself is a cliche.
Re: Fare Price (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	half.italian 70.36.242.152	31-Oct-06/4:05 AM
If you think your religion/church is so blood sucking than why do you still follow it? Or have you recently left a church? I have never practiced religion for these obvious reasons. Spirituality > Religion. Find a unique way to say it instead of staing the obvious.
Re: Suburban Spleen by Sasha	half.italian 70.36.242.152	31-Oct-06/4:10 AM
Well written.
Re: Rare Oul' Times in the County Wicklow by Edna Sweetlove	half.italian 70.36.242.152	31-Oct-06/4:16 AM
I had a comment to make, but seeing as the author is a total fuck, I'll keep it to myself. Edna=0 Just because. :)
Re: Still by half.italian	Ranger 62.252.32.15	31-Oct-06/6:40 AM
It's really scattered - more a collection of half-connected thoughts. I guess maybe that's what you're aiming at; if so they're a bit too independently crisp and sharp to be dreamy thoughts.
Re: Still by half.italian	Dovina 70.38.78.229	31-Oct-06/10:45 AM
I relate to scarce memories, ones that feel like they responded to fate. I don't believe in fate, but I know the feeling. I don't like the idea of "correct tastes." The Eiffel tower has an appealing shape, but it may not be a "correct taste" to everyone; if fact it is not.
Re: 311006 txt to russia by daniella	Dovina 70.38.78.229	31-Oct-06/10:50 AM
Yes, I have been spoken to by such voices. A less cryptic title might dispell criticism.
Re: Fare Price (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	Dovina 70.38.78.229	31-Oct-06/10:54 AM
Fare price, as in a ticket to Heaven, is meant, I presume, as criticism of the church for wanting money for such passage. It's acommon theme, and not too well presented here. I'd rather see a juxteposition of "fare" and "fair."
Re: Jesus Around Your Neck (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	Dovina 70.38.78.229	31-Oct-06/10:57 AM
Another criticism of Christian hypocricy, and fairly well stated. Ironically, one of Jesus' major complaints with the "church" of his day was hypocricy.
Re: Suburban Spleen by Sasha	Dovina 70.38.78.229	31-Oct-06/10:59 AM
Yes, a familiar sentiment. Spleen in the title is a correct usage, but an uncommon one; maybe another word. Welcome back.
Re: "Twee" by Ranger	Edna Sweetlove 85.210.221.110	31-Oct-06/4:26 PM
Bollocks
Re: August 23, 1944 - 102 miles west of Paris by Ranger	Edna Sweetlove 85.210.221.110	31-Oct-06/4:26 PM
An odd fullstop would do no one any harm, sweetie.
regarding some deleted poem...	howl 81.178.72.28	1-Nov-06/2:37 AM
L4 seems awfully forced. The '-'s are typographically (and syntactically) bum. Put 'then' into the second verse.
Re: 311006 txt to russia by daniella	howl 81.178.72.28	1-Nov-06/2:52 AM
A little unsubstantial. It has a well crafted order.