Jeremi B. Handrinos
on untitled (readjuster) by pomoxo
20 Jan 2003, 8:36 PM
Deleterious aye? Metal you say? Command? I see. Very well. Good one. Nice ending
I feel if you were to structure it like this:
The re-adjuster's come to town;
warmth collapses into my body.
I've got a shivering grin for
the evanescent sun that's flown in,
dropped by for a quick stint.
A joke it is, I'm laughing
behind my own composite,
He's tweaking me back into
the lucid rut, where I love
to glide and grudge;
the tangible flow of
yet-to-be-set concrete,
flashes of a bridge I knew,
a bridge I could have been
poured into-But, I'm static, evaporating frenetic
indentured to his land
of mirage fields that conceal deleterious metal,
and dissolute strands
of the dirt over which
I once had command
I get the feeling there's more depth in this than I'm picking up on. Still, I like what I read.
'The sky, rebelling against its native blue/Turns Confederate' is one of the most wonderful ways of describing a grey sky I've ever seen -- though you'd have to be American or have a knowledge of the civil war to get it. I'm not too sure about the rest, though.
Well I cringed when they caught his hand in the door. I thought it was a powerful poem.
Hmmmmmm....at first when I read it I couldn't really understand it, but then I noticed that you were from India. How are you writing in Hindu (I am taking a guess here) and then translating it to English?
I like it. This is much, much, much better than the turtle poem. Here's a 9. I especially enjoyed the last two lines.
Nice. Very nice. And I said that you were an overweight Physics grad student from Cambridge who sits naked and oiled in his Lazy Boy rocking back and forth all while spitting out Physics theory. Here's a lollipop, for this is quite a lovely piece.
Well well, here we go again, plagarizing ourselves. I guess it runs in the family. So this song is mine because I claim it as such.
You write from some other time, you remind me of some other time.
Some fantastic lines. 'Turning into a...' is a wonderful line. this needs some editing but otherwise very touching.
Must you give us, New Yorkers, a bad name? cauze....cant.....reminist...its...ill..
I gather you're Prince Charles's pedophilic butler. There are worst things like being Mr. Townsend. Although at times I think you might be him as well. You've done it again BobbyJoe...here's some lotion and a lolipop...you're a smart boy now go and figure out what to do with each.
Liked your second stanza but you lost me in the first - couldn't comprehend lines 4 through 9 and I thought the rhythm was a little stilted in this stanza.
Have you read about WIMPs yet? They are these far out crazy particles in space that are microscopic but weigh like 5 tons, and can puncture/slice through a planet like a knife through butter. I'd rather play with one of those than a clit sometimes, i think it would be safer. A Quark nugget though, makes a comets/terra impact look vague in comparisson
It reads like a speech for the Democratic convention. I like what you have to say, but then again I am strongly skewed to the left....7
ok here goes...
The first line is half good, the first half. try to come up with a more interestng way of saying the rest.
Is it important for the Greek to be sitting? If not just say the Greek..
Contemplating-- morality... Why do you put 'issues such as' in there? These are the things you need to eliminate, these terrible unnecessaries. They work for creating a character's personality, but since this is you talking, and your subject is complicated enough as it is, not to mention you're writing poetry, brevity is your friend.
...and what makes it do real...
...such as the sorts of...
...onto-should be 'to'...
...and what makes it so real(how about and it's reality')...
Oh well got to go libraries closing. I'll get back to it later tonight. The point is you are learning to crawl, and that's ok. Pay attention to those writers you admire, copy their style for a while, your's will emerge.
ring a ding ding.
sense not sinse
very nice...9
Clever.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
20 Jan 2003, 5:45 PM
degenerates with the last line. becomes obvious.