Jeremi B. Handrinos
on she was a garden of roses by crin
18 Jan 2003, 11:49 AM
"steel resolve" 'thorny resolve' might work better...some how the 'steel' image does not fit, and what would a rose poem be without thorns...que no?
eggs an such..S
Bulls-eye.
No, not according to malthusian theorys.
Trippy.
remember scooby doo and the moon beast? great episode.
a ha ha HA! great scott..that was loads of fun ha ha ha,,i was like, where the fuck is this boring thing going? than whack! ta da.8.
"yer?" should be 'er' or yers forcing you to then go with butchers, which actually would make this better...i enjoyed it mostly. a funny ditty and witty but not like a three holed titty splittied six ways.
ski jumping is for adults young lady, REPENT IN THE NAME OF JESUS! <body starts to twist and gyrate whilst banging the vulve with the christ doll haaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!> sorry just be moving along now.
try asexuality. it works..that and murdering people..for cash...and writing vilanelles helps too.
"I was torn like the lighting in the sky." lightning? i believe this could use a could re-editing. Then it'd be a real tamale.
and you Know this, ma-an!
somehow, i don't think thats possible. repent!
I get a little lost with (specialized orangery). 6-2 add comma before (so) also?
I really like this, its earnestly unadorned my only problem is the use of 'truthfully' in the last line, it feels to me to be a little bland of a word, way too open and vague. to me it seems the meaning you're striving for w/ this word is closer to 'appropriately' err or something that would suggest the artist is placing the score in the place where it will most resonate. truthfully just feels kind of overarching but maybe that's just because i read alot of meaninglessness into the word 'truth' in general
i'm sure what you're feeling feels real revolutionary right now but you'll look back on it in a few years and feel juvenile. honestly, how many times has the phrase 'living a lie' been used in the english language? the answer is far too many, which makes it a cliche and the problem with cliches is that they usually have a severe deficiency of potency. also, you're mostly talking about abstract concepts and not utilizing much concrete imagery and the concrete imagery you do utilize sparks little in the imagination. writing without punctuation is fun and makes us pay attention to you until it goes on for so long that it feels tedious and annoys your reader. punctuation, placed appropriately, is just as powerful as lack of punctuation, and punctuating does not neccessarily represent adherence to convention, punctuation can be used in very creative ways. read some ee cumming
i really enjoy some of the unconventional imagery you use here, it definitely gives the poem a distinct ambience which is very valuable, the kind of strangeness and surreality that is the experience of childhood, back before we had all sorts of ingrained cultural references to steer our perceptions
You're a funny 16 year old. Spell check might help next time...then agian it doesn't seem to help me...6
What the hell are you talking about? Also, turtles are not dumb. I have a friend who has one....a lovely creature named Tutu.