horus8
on some deleted poem
16 Jan 2003, 2:44 PM
that's a birdie baby! i can look past the typos 'too'.
Word picking is tricky,yes?
punk rock
wtf
needs more
Not sure about te first line, but deep and fanciful, it is it is.
You mentioned -playfully-before -whore. thats why I wans't offended.
I think you could get away with
(resonant) word.
I can't put my finger quite on what I don't like here. The overall works but....
Note to nentwined: QUESTIONS MARKS ARE STILL APPEARING AT RANDOM.
P.S. This doesn't rhyme very well.
We do not have his ass here yet. We are currently in a fierce bidding war with the pigmys on ebay for it intact...could be expensive..currently we are willing to trade it for our rare collection of bathing salts from honduras, but we'll have to wait and see..what the pygmys counter with. the pigmys have rhino horn powdered with lovely moss packed velvet pouches complete with air plants, hip sack and lichens on velvet..so..it's a close call. we can only pray to jesu. i've heard rumors that it's a very lovely bum indeed, and will have bachus ask him for photos to post when he interviews the famous midwest poet early next week (p&k, for the Bachus tribunal).
I'm partial to poppies and soldiers, and revolution. Not just because i have the band morphine blaring 11 currently either. nice quick verse here. cut and dry. have a 9.
The adjustments are worthwhile(obviously). The ending is much better. I suspect you are not done yet?
Similar to something else you wrote a while a go. Liked that one better.
Looks good. Is there a google mystery here because the title doesn't ring any immediate bells, but i am horrible with names, and titles, actually...well not totally horrible, but compared to alot of my peers, bad.
this is totally bitchin bros, fuckin aye.<the warlock blast through a set of blistering songs on stage> tommy chong looks over at us above his left shoulder, or ws it right? any way...no matter because he says "you just ate thee most acid that i've ever seen anyone eat, man..uhhuhuh ha"..i like theee vilanelles. thanks.
Couple typos here and there.
Odd way of sounding (the poem out).
Structure's sort of wobbly still.
Did you choose the simplicity of your words purposely?
Because it takes away from the sentiment i believe.
Therefore, you might option to re- edit this piece with a bigger dictionary if you catch my meaning.
overall though, not bad
I can relate to the situation.
And hopefully your honesty
That is unless it was all bullshit, but i doubt that..have a 6.
ftw
great poeme i'm sure you'll be a popular poete in no time etc etc