Re: The Mandarin by Caducus	INTRANSIT 152.163.100.65	12-Oct-06/7:24 AM
Line one delete- to me and insert 2 dashes same for line four (I wrote her) can go for two dashes. Drop (noticing), drop laid,drop yet,drop and. There's still something missing from the parts dealing with your father. Can't pinpoint it yet. Good to see you still plugging away. Fuckin' rough aint it?
Re: Wind By Any Other Name by Edna Sweetlove	INTRANSIT 152.163.100.65	12-Oct-06/7:34 AM
Still at it I see.
Re: The Mandarin by Caducus	Jack Diamond 71.103.83.39	12-Oct-06/9:58 AM
This gives me an image of a person still trying to grasp the concept of caring for another person, but still arrogant as fuck. There are still many people like that out wondering how things went wrong, and why. Good sense of how the modern man is still confused about real principals.
Re: People vs Corps. by Jack Diamond	Ranger 62.252.32.15	12-Oct-06/10:48 AM
Like the play of words in the title - corps/corpse. Could turn this into a zombie poem if you tried, still carrying the same message. Typo throughout - "ones" ("'" for possessive or compounding). I think there should be a comma in line 21 between 'me' and 'I'm'. 'Buy at Target'? Is there a pun there that I'm missing? Decent write though.
Re: Love Trail by D. $ Fontera	Ranger 62.252.32.15	12-Oct-06/10:49 AM
"Love'll we"?
regarding some deleted poem...	piedle 210.84.45.132	12-Oct-06/11:24 AM
yeah - i enjoy frying them up with some cheese.
Re: love by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*.	leonxic 129.7.120.229	12-Oct-06/1:32 PM
Isn't "sucks" some sort of description. I'm sure you could elaborate. Until then, this poem sucks no way describe it (Other than that it sucks, of course)
Re: I've thought a lot by MacFrantic	leonxic 129.7.120.229	12-Oct-06/1:36 PM
Now I can die enlightened.
regarding some deleted poem...	INTRANSIT 172.132.249.189	12-Oct-06/1:50 PM
This starts to move at line four. melt not melted. anasthetic? the ambulance was a mothers mother, no? The end should loop back to the beginning. Tinker with it. It's in there.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	12-Oct-06/1:57 PM
This is screaming out for iambic rhythm, or at least a gentle bobbing to make my head go up and down. Use the rhythm to imitate the losing of sanity, or the melting of right and wrong. As it stands it feels like prose. Good prose, but prose nonetheless. I love the ideas within, it just wants caching out.
Re: Gilded Lily by drnick	Ranger 62.252.32.15	12-Oct-06/2:01 PM
I'm not sure where you're going with this. You're rid of do/does except for line 6 - I can't see a reason for it. It feels pseudo-archaic, is that the intention? I love the title, and also the repetition of 'forgive', it's kind of a sarcastic petition to a lord/lady/deity. Just the language feels uncertain.
Re: Bitter by Ranger	Dovina 70.38.78.229	12-Oct-06/3:15 PM
So hypnotic is its rhythm and form that it must be a form besides free verse. Toward the end of reading it, I need no sense or plot, so carried is it with its own device.
Re: Retail by Wakeboarder20	nypoet22 72.144.83.149	12-Oct-06/5:43 PM
i like the structure. i agree with ranger about the name.
Re: Bitter by Ranger	nypoet22 72.144.83.149	12-Oct-06/5:56 PM
absolutely beautiful. things i think could be improved: no need to title it bitter, that makes me think of beer as much as anna's ghost. For she left and wandered off would fit the rhythm better without the word me. With no road back to me should really be the last line. bitterness of the sort described is really such a selfish sentiment, ending on any word other than "me" is practically a crime. of course, this is all just basically me nitpicking. i love the poem. love it.
Re: Gilded Lily by drnick	nypoet22 72.144.83.149	12-Oct-06/6:01 PM
to have the word "thee" followed shortly thereafter by the word "socio-emotional" shows the inconsistency of language use here. every work has some inconsistencies, but the language and grammar of this one is really all over the place.
Re: Love Trail by D. $ Fontera	nypoet22 72.144.83.149	12-Oct-06/6:02 PM
awwwww. this belongs on a hallmark card.
regarding some deleted poem...	nypoet22 72.144.83.149	12-Oct-06/6:12 PM
the last couple lines feel like they belong more in the beginning section. i also got the feel of prose from this, as if it were organized more based on convention and the order of events than on sound, rhythm, feeling or any deeper sort of meaning. i like much of the sound and language, as well as the story itself. the ordering of events just doesn't quite work for me, doesn't evoke feeling the way some poems do.
Re: My Culture (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	nypoet22 72.144.83.149	12-Oct-06/6:19 PM
the repetition doesn't really work for me here. when i read only the parts in each verse that come before "welcome to my culture," i like the poem a whole lot better. repetition of that sort is supposed to build you into a rhythm of some sort, and i think those parts are more of a disruption than anything else. i wish i could be more specific about what about those lines bugs me, but right now all i can say is that they make my brain itch.
Re: Soy Flat White with One by helenwales	nypoet22 72.144.83.149	12-Oct-06/6:22 PM
minor grammar correction: _an_ acrid smell. otherwise, i like it.
Re: October by A_Dark_Calm	nypoet22 72.144.83.149	12-Oct-06/6:24 PM
what's with not saying the name? otherwise lovely.