Quarton
on The Way It Is by Tascobar
30 Nov 2002, 9:06 AM
Not bad but seems a bit bland. Needs more vitality but still a 5 from your poem I derive.
Ok, here's what I woul do. S-2, try to get line 4 to rhyme. Again,
skin, clicking, you've got a pattern there and rhyming s-2 might help the flow a little more.
Just my thoughts. Vote on hold.
L-10 "else I will catch them peripherally" maybe?
I agree with bachus. Influenced by Whitman?
Not bad but reads more like an essay than a poem. Wish it was more, only a four
What, have you left everyone speechless?
I think you're very talented. You have a lyrical and distinctive voice and an ability to conjure images on the edge of unsettling (here less so than in some of your other poems, but still vivid and evocative). I can't say I always know what your poems are about, per se, but it usually doesn't matter--your central images are usually strong enough to carry the ambiguity.
Not sure I get how broken bottles are "cut in the wings/of an albatross stalking." And your part III baffles me--but I respond to it nonetheless.
Quite poignant and heart felt. Worthy of a 5 but if lack of brevity you were to fix, at least a 6.
Reminded me of my dad. A tear for me and an 8 for you. I feel for you.
Good use of metaphor and some excellent lines. Would be better if tightened. Has potential and I derive a 5.
Needs some editing but the mood was engaging with a new twist added to an ages old theme.
horus8. You inspire me, if only ecause you prove it's possible to lead your life without trying hard or taking anything seriously. EXCEPT YOUR SON MICAH BLAH BLAH yes I'm sure he's very important to you (thanks for letting us do the voice of Spencer Sniper in Leon). oh and also poetry is very important to you. wait, fuck, I take it all back. You suck.
Dark Angel,
A little dose of skepticism is fine but your obvious penchant for cynicism is striking.
An atavistic journey backwards
to survival of the fittest.
Naked apes with clubs raised,
our innate nobility dormant
and shared humanity forsaken.
The darkness again descending
as sounds of chest thumping
reverberate in primeval echoes
across the love barren land.
Beyond skepticism,
tha cynic's presence looms;
Waiting, probing, menacing.
Of course,I may have formed this opinion prematurely and, if so, I apologize. What we say is often in contradiction to what we feel and think:)
you go grrrl!
that happened to me in high school, girl dumped me for my best friend.
that really really sucks. really really REALLY sucks. Hell, that was a decade ago, and I'm still not over it.
the first movie jack nicholson made was the terror....check it out. ghost story during napoleons days..also starring boris carloff before he died....made in 62. i think or maybe 66.
ninth sentence? the term is pecking...freak. and the white kids that try to act black are called wiggers.
might be more effective if you say, "i can only listen to it instead." still great regardless..9.w
What equipment are we allowed?
Rather good. This makes up for the Arnold poem.