Re: test by zanzina	ALChemy 71.75.176.68	18-May-06/4:53 AM
You failed.
Re: Generation Next, Fuck you(The Fake Out) by thepinkbunnyofdoom	Edna Sweetlove 81.178.65.120	19-May-06/4:49 AM
OK I suppose.
Re: Foray by richa	Dovina 17.255.240.138	17-May-06/10:46 AM
"Your brown hair an earthy tone" says a lot.
Re: test by zanzina	nentwined 68.232.253.122	17-May-06/1:53 PM
Hmm. Very minimalist. ;)
regarding some deleted poem...	Dental Panic 84.27.6.94	17-May-06/11:36 AM
Very nice poem. 'parfaited' - perfect, perfumed and paraffin oil. Just a guess.
Re: The Prodigal Daughter by Dovina	Edna Sweetlove 81.178.65.120	19-May-06/4:52 AM
Groveling? Groveling? You mean, to rhyme with "revealing" and "ceiling" ?
Re: test by zanzina	richa 85.210.105.112	17-May-06/2:38 PM
If the test is to see whether people will vote for any old bum then -10-
Re: Goa by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	17-May-06/7:03 PM
I hope this edition will prove itself more favorable than the original post. Read on and enjoy!
Re: The Prodigal Daughter by Dovina	richa 85.210.105.112	17-May-06/2:33 PM
'She knew her life’s pattern; her ethics were set'. Don't like this. It is just stating the plot. Show don't tell.
Re: 72 virgins (but the bitches ain't fun) by ALChemy	richa 85.210.105.112	17-May-06/2:29 PM
72 virgins are ace because they are pure and virtuous. In heaven on must forsake any thoughts of sin for they can't be lived out. There are only souls in heaven. No bones. :(
Re: The Wife and the Spider by Caducus	Niphredil 132.69.238.35	18-May-06/10:18 AM
This is most excellent. You hold the spider metaphor intact throughout the entire poem without either forgetting or abusing it. And you do it so beautifully! Both the execution and concept are terrific. -10-. p.s. I think "weaved" in the second line should be "wove".
Re: Foray by richa	Caducus 86.141.200.125	19-May-06/5:31 AM
You do personal poems well. Should there not be their? I always admire your meter and how you keep the narrative behind the poetry. Line 5 is my favourite as I love the exposure of nature combined with a Fathers caring eye.
Re: Seizures by Sunny	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	18-May-06/11:04 AM
I am colorblind, so I will wait for the tulips..... what has colorblind to look forward to in tulips, definitely not the varying hues? I'm sorry, I might have got it wrong, but I haven't yet got the jist of this poem. I might be reading this with a different view, so pls don't take this personally. And may be a bit of punctuations could do , as in, "are the apparitions". Period. Line 8.
Re: 72 virgins (but the bitches ain't fun) by ALChemy	Niphredil 132.68.55.105	17-May-06/8:48 AM
Tried to fuck that ho like he couldn't in the hood / but damn! that bitch, she a virgin for good Whatever he do, can't stick it in, no hole, just skin, Gonna beat his meat forever cuz he just can't win. Nigga never knew all he'd do was masturbate Once he blew himself sky-high through the Pearly Gates But yours is better :-) true to da beat.
Re: Lost In Her Effervescence by ALChemy	Caducus 86.143.108.103	17-May-06/8:37 AM
Good title, not a bad stab and i like the way you go straight into it - no fucking about. The last line but 3 - suds? I'm sure you can find a better word than suds and that line is clumsy anyway as you'll find it hard to convince people that an abyss is blissful so how about - mother sun's fingers stroke the abyss only to fade on its burning mouth close to her lips where i drowned only to surface with lies. something along those lines maybe, it has potential bud.
Re: Cupid Missed Two Junkies (slightly clearer, rambling draft) by Ranger	Caducus 86.141.200.125	19-May-06/2:45 AM
I can see how much your writings come on and thought i should comment on what i think you need to do to fastrack the improvement even more. This could be stronger as a poem if you make it more concrete (example below) You are, a small gold leaf blown over warm earth Like a kiss- Content at rest But, if you had these eyes, you would see him sitting, in the arms of an apple tree She will hold him, with every other seeking bliss and so on...... it leaves the images stronger as it sppears more concise and focused. The style of this poem is synonymous with a lot you write and i always tailor your meter to how i imagine it could and should be. Anyway I'll probably get the piss taken out of me for leaving a proper comment lol.
Re: Seizures by Sunny	Caducus 86.141.200.125	19-May-06/2:49 AM
lose a few of the and's then you have yourself a good poem
Re: 72 virgins (but the bitches ain't fun) by ALChemy	Niphredil 132.68.55.105	17-May-06/8:32 AM
"They just don't give a Shiite". 10 because I fuckin' loved that line. I was actually planning to try a parody on that following your conversation w/ Ranger, but you beat me to it and did it great! ^_^
Re: 72 virgins (but the bitches ain't fun) by ALChemy	Ranger 62.252.32.15	17-May-06/9:42 AM
Oh man, you tempt me away from the reams of paperwork... This made me laugh so hard, the best early birthday present I've ever had! Actually, I haven't found a song this funny since Al Yankovic parodied "Lola" (the master of parodies working from Ray Davies, the master of satire; a winning combination if ever there was one). While you folks are around there's no way I'm going to be able to keep away for long. 'Rabbi critics, they say he's justa "Sunni Cash Ho". He formed a Jihad, stupid, got whacked by some Joes'. That will remain with me forever :-D
Re: 72 virgins (but the bitches ain't fun) by ALChemy	Dovina 17.255.240.138	17-May-06/10:42 AM
Those heavenly hoes died and went there for good reason. The rest of us never made it.