regarding some deleted poem...	SupremeDreamer 66.248.81.131	15-Jan-05/5:11 AM
Over all? It tastes bland, the dramatized spices only added to its mild hallmark dullness. And quite the cliche, to pity the devil, while knowing nothing of the fallen morning star.. tsk. It's like watching a blind man grasping air. Zero.
regarding some deleted poem...	nentwined 64.81.38.95	14-Jan-05/11:42 PM
I think the first para is all you need for this--the rest detracts. Perhaps the rest could be reworked to build on the beginning differently than it currently tries to. not sure.
regarding some deleted poem...	nentwined 64.81.38.95	14-Jan-05/11:43 PM
good pain here. I find "what can be wrong with this" inappropriately awkward, the rest just about perfect.
Re: You tell me by RION12	Shuushin 64.222.152.148	14-Jan-05/11:44 PM
"cheek" watch the duplicate rhymes
regarding some deleted poem...	nentwined 64.81.38.95	14-Jan-05/11:56 PM
I have to say that's fairly well done. Found it by way of shuushin's favorites list. :) the hoop-swallowing-hoop (that I'm not sure you meant, but it's one (subtle?) interpretation) is running my mind in circles.
Re: Disturbed Destiny by misheila	nentwined 64.81.38.95	15-Jan-05/1:45 AM
I'm afraid you've completely lost me with this one, to the point that just about the only bit of criticism I can make byond that is I'm fairly sure the first "to" on your last line is intended to be a "too". Line by line--l1 is a bit simplistic for the number of words you use, but could go somewhere. l2 as well. l3 is nice and succinct... I almost think you could drop the first two lines and work the rest into something more coherent, but I'm lost as to what you intend with 'translation', and ... no idea what you're hoping to convey.
regarding some deleted poem...	zodiac 212.118.11.30	15-Jan-05/5:37 AM
Another white = perfection poem. The writing's not bad, but seriously give it a rest.
regarding some deleted poem...	zodiac 212.118.11.30	15-Jan-05/5:56 AM
Does anyone else think the weirdest thing about the Charlie Daniels song "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" is the part that goes Chicken's in the breadpan, picking out dough, Granny does your dog bite? No, child, no
Re: Below Zero by Shardik	zodiac 212.118.11.30	15-Jan-05/5:56 AM
The last part saved it.
Re: the pretenders by PopoyMola	SupremeDreamer 66.248.81.131	15-Jan-05/6:10 AM
Its core is worthwhile, what you're trying to express, but the poem you have here lacks experience and skill--it's limping.. flailing. One: you can drastically cut down on the use of the word "I". "I" in poetry is decrepit and weak, and offers little more than rigidness along with insipidness. Consider sticking to a rule of using no-more than one "I", and strive to have none. For example, the two first lines can be edited like so: I live in a barrio, dreaming, bathing in the brooks with friends. Notice how it grates less on the ears? More fluid, atleast I'm inclined to think so. Two: Grammar.. particularly your use of past or present tense. FYI, past would be "lived", present "live", present tense usually carries more force or expression, past tense tends to make it seem as if your merely reminiscing-- most times appearing dull. "i lived in a barrio where i dream" This is using both in contradiction, and is poor use of the english language.. a no-no. Three: Your way of detailing your "friends" character has a good base, comparing them to vultures, snakes, etc, but has no force or impact. "i befriended crocodiles hungry for power..." "i met birds in vulture's feathers..." "i knew snakes with the stingiest scales..." You expressed this as past tense, so it suffers a loss of meaning, force, and ample definition. You give no example of how they are as vultures, snakes, crocodiles. Plus, you could cut out crocs and stick to slithering and hunger, scavenging. Simplicity and potency, consider this example: My friends linger, shoulders hunched, coveting, and wary they creep slowly, serpents tongue forked, hissing, pursuasive superiority offering deceit. Not the best example, but you get the idea, I hope. Four: Your poem is littered with ellipses, those "..." are a bad, horrid habit to have when writing, it mostly gives people the impression that your really muddled on heroin while your writing... and... constantly... jarring yourself... from the emptiness of... dope... space... arhhhhhhhh... Refrain from littering your writing with the cursed dots, you're better off with out them-- whatever anyone may have told you, its not poetic to pause and doze off between stanzas. That pretty much covers the essentials for now.. or more precisely, what I felt compelled to impart. No vote for now.
regarding some deleted poem...	SupremeDreamer 66.248.81.131	15-Jan-05/6:26 AM
Sounds like a deranged, neglected girls self-soothing mantra. lol. Blessed with four.
Re: In the Shadows by Beyond_Dreams	SupremeDreamer 66.248.81.131	15-Jan-05/6:31 AM
Count Heralds Memoir of Flaccid Romance.
regarding some deleted poem...	SupremeDreamer 66.248.81.131	15-Jan-05/6:43 AM
Mark this up on the self-help poem catagory. I feel better already. Why I feel giddy and even a slight tingle ticklin my groin.. ah, here and have a nine, now that I read poetic nostrum and feel oh so fine...
Re: Goldmunds Slut Fiasco. by SupremeDreamer	Dan garcia-Black 66.159.205.20	15-Jan-05/11:37 AM
A verbal Degas in his late period. Quite withering.
regarding some deleted poem...	tori 209.210.140.241	15-Jan-05/11:59 AM
all in all, a bit strange 2 be inspiring 2 speak with the devil, but a nice expression of emotions and actions, and therefore a 8
Re: Peptalk in the Dugout by Dovina	tori 209.210.140.241	15-Jan-05/12:08 PM
ok ummm the back and forth conversating that goes on in peoples comment areas is histarically and idiotically funny, and secondly, awesome expression of how when men are playing a sport and unable 2 fondle unexpecting women, they resort to fondling themselves ***9***
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 12.72.10.88	15-Jan-05/2:09 PM
Line 4 is too boring. Subtlety in foreshadowing.
Re: Disturbed Destiny by misheila	Dovina 12.72.10.88	15-Jan-05/2:16 PM
I have experienced this many times. Capturing the dream or the last thought before sleep or the waking thought, is difficult. Translation from sleep thinking into wake thinking is hard, but so worthwhile. recaptire -> capture period after desires.
Re: the pretenders by PopoyMola	Dovina 12.72.10.88	15-Jan-05/2:18 PM
Why the ....? The language here is very simple, too simple, tenses sometimes wrong, grammar poor.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 12.72.10.88	15-Jan-05/2:28 PM
Nicer now. Verse 2 (shadows) is especially nice. "Warm white" must refer to the doves, but they seem extraneous, another thought. I'd rather you stick with the trees, or make a stronger dove-to-tree tie.