Re: In the Shadows by Beyond_Dreams	SupremeDreamer 66.248.81.131	15-Jan-05/6:31 AM
Count Heralds Memoir of Flaccid Romance.
Re: the pretenders by PopoyMola	SupremeDreamer 66.248.81.131	15-Jan-05/6:10 AM
Its core is worthwhile, what you're trying to express, but the poem you have here lacks experience and skill--it's limping.. flailing. One: you can drastically cut down on the use of the word "I". "I" in poetry is decrepit and weak, and offers little more than rigidness along with insipidness. Consider sticking to a rule of using no-more than one "I", and strive to have none. For example, the two first lines can be edited like so: I live in a barrio, dreaming, bathing in the brooks with friends. Notice how it grates less on the ears? More fluid, atleast I'm inclined to think so. Two: Grammar.. particularly your use of past or present tense. FYI, past would be "lived", present "live", present tense usually carries more force or expression, past tense tends to make it seem as if your merely reminiscing-- most times appearing dull. "i lived in a barrio where i dream" This is using both in contradiction, and is poor use of the english language.. a no-no. Three: Your way of detailing your "friends" character has a good base, comparing them to vultures, snakes, etc, but has no force or impact. "i befriended crocodiles hungry for power..." "i met birds in vulture's feathers..." "i knew snakes with the stingiest scales..." You expressed this as past tense, so it suffers a loss of meaning, force, and ample definition. You give no example of how they are as vultures, snakes, crocodiles. Plus, you could cut out crocs and stick to slithering and hunger, scavenging. Simplicity and potency, consider this example: My friends linger, shoulders hunched, coveting, and wary they creep slowly, serpents tongue forked, hissing, pursuasive superiority offering deceit. Not the best example, but you get the idea, I hope. Four: Your poem is littered with ellipses, those "..." are a bad, horrid habit to have when writing, it mostly gives people the impression that your really muddled on heroin while your writing... and... constantly... jarring yourself... from the emptiness of... dope... space... arhhhhhhhh... Refrain from littering your writing with the cursed dots, you're better off with out them-- whatever anyone may have told you, its not poetic to pause and doze off between stanzas. That pretty much covers the essentials for now.. or more precisely, what I felt compelled to impart. No vote for now.
Re: Below Zero by Shardik	zodiac 212.118.11.30	15-Jan-05/5:56 AM
The last part saved it.
Re: a comment on Peptalk in the Dugout by Dovina	zodiac 212.118.11.30	15-Jan-05/5:34 AM
I know nothing about astrology, except that after thirtysomething years of life your Venus still seems to be stuck somewhere shamefully near to the house of Virgo.
Re: a comment on Peptalk in the Dugout by Dovina	zodiac 212.118.11.30	15-Jan-05/5:30 AM
If you delete my comments you are an engorged pussy. PS-it's not astrological, fuckwad, it's television. PPS-This comment is meant only for you. Delete it if you want, but you'll still have gotten to read about what an engorged pussy you are. Twice now. PPPS-Of course you have the right to delete comments. Is that your idea of a fucking revelation? You also have the right to wear only a bandanna around your schlong, but if you do I'm going to use my right to laugh at you and you'll be really sad and wish it was your right to whemy yourself to death from the embarassment of it, which of course it isn't not even in California. Having lived abroad long enough to know several people who only have bandannas to wrap around their schlongs even in the thick of desert winter, I've come to realise one of the biggest problems with America is people saying "I've realised it's my right to do X" and then doing it no matter how poorly it reflects on their other, non-right-discerning powers of judgment. And your an engorged pussy. As always, [Captain] zodiac
Re: a comment on You tell me by RION12	nentwined 64.81.38.95	15-Jan-05/4:39 AM
live -> leave (I think?) wisper -> whisper
Re: Disturbed Destiny by misheila	nentwined 64.81.38.95	15-Jan-05/1:45 AM
I'm afraid you've completely lost me with this one, to the point that just about the only bit of criticism I can make byond that is I'm fairly sure the first "to" on your last line is intended to be a "too". Line by line--l1 is a bit simplistic for the number of words you use, but could go somewhere. l2 as well. l3 is nice and succinct... I almost think you could drop the first two lines and work the rest into something more coherent, but I'm lost as to what you intend with 'translation', and ... no idea what you're hoping to convey.
Re: You tell me by RION12	Shuushin 64.222.152.148	14-Jan-05/11:44 PM
"cheek" watch the duplicate rhymes
Re: Recognition by nentwined	RION12 64.136.26.226	14-Jan-05/9:31 PM
I liked this poem so much I made it one of my favorites.
Re: You tell me by RION12	nentwined 64.81.38.95	14-Jan-05/9:28 PM
Though anything can be endlessly argued to death, spelling things properly really helps in my world. Beyond that--the strange rhyme you have going on grates a bit on my ears, and the rhythm is very odd (perhaps Dovina would use the word 'chunky'). There's a lot that goes on in a poem, some of it intentional, some of it "just the way it is", and that all has to be weighed. You might try exploring the senses a bit more than you have them here--help us feel your cry, your fear, show us what is haunting you, whisper the love so we can feel its timbre. What colors, sights, sounds, smells are there? These are just my thoughts, of course.
Re: I love by Leigha Browning	RION12 64.136.26.226	14-Jan-05/8:19 PM
I really think love is great even if I don't know the real reason for it. You make it sound a lot more better then it already is. I have had a lot of bad things happen when I was with somone and when I read this poem it helped me think about all the good things that happened. I looked on the bright side for once.
Re: a comment on Stopping at the oak (draft) by Caducus	Shardik 24.130.62.63	14-Jan-05/5:02 PM
Dude, you crack me up You're like "Don't try and explain the haunting omen of banshees..." for some reason, that made me giggle. He's right Big A this needs a shrink wrap, and a facial It has a lot of decent lines... Which is like saying "well, let's see how drunk I get for the fat chick, she's cutening up by the break neck sip" lol.
Re: a comment on A Flower for Monet by Shuushin	dancin_n_da_moonlite 205.188.116.138	14-Jan-05/3:06 PM
i had just posted a poem---and i felt like reading some others-------so i went to the list of people who were currently using the site-------and u were the first one listed--------then i just read one of ur poems------- -mega
Re: a comment on A Flower for Monet by Shuushin	Shuushin 64.222.153.248	13-Jan-05/9:23 PM
Thanks ddm - may I ask how you happened to look at it?
Re: A Flower for Monet by Shuushin	dancin_n_da_moonlite 205.188.116.135	13-Jan-05/8:35 PM
this is by far the best poem i have read in avery long time .........i love it ............is is so beautiful.............:)
Re: Can't Fight No More by jroday	Dovina 12.72.14.48	13-Jan-05/2:48 PM
I can't say it any better than: http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=118322 If you're reading these words, you know you are appreciated by at least one, and I'll bet a year's longevity the Mrs. jroday would say the same.
Re: a comment on Nectar of Infinity by MacFrantic	MacFrantic 204.98.2.23	13-Jan-05/11:41 AM
I do.
Re: a comment on Peptalk in the Dugout by Dovina	Dan garcia-Black 66.159.217.252	13-Jan-05/9:20 AM
Raising the bar is what genius does.
Re: a comment on Peptalk in the Dugout by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.3.170	13-Jan-05/8:58 AM
Sorry if this offends the gentleman’s game of Ball over there in Merry Old England, but the immigrants here in the New World tend toward chewing of tobacco, cursing, and carrying on fistfights with the fans.
Re: a comment on Peptalk in the Dugout by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.3.170	13-Jan-05/8:57 AM
It's the sort of genius that falls from heaven in brief moments of enlightenment, like after a Long Beach in an Italian bar.