edpeterson
on The Old Man by spriggan
29 Oct 2004, 8:02 PM
a gaping hole. This is great.
fucking hilarious. Why is he taking pain killers that poison his body? There are perfectly good painkillers on the market that do not poison the body.
nothing worse than a poor afficted soul, eh? the end line makes it all worth while, and completely stands this motherfucker on its head and redeems it with a broom handle.
I don't think the end redeems anything. He should never have died? hmmmm
I thought it was well conceived and well written until the last few lines... though the entire last stanza is awkward.
It is a good thing, in moderation. What do you think?
asshole. nigger. stupid sonovabitch. Idiot. imbecile. mammoth.
Though I see where you're coming from, a synonym for issue is problem. Teen suicide is a problem, and it is sad that its so common. "What would be sad would be if teen suicide WASN'T an issue." <--With issue meaning problem, you're saying that teens committing suicide is a good thing. lol before you criticize others make sure you know what you're saying.
Sad write.
You spelled "awareness" wrong in your title, and I believe you meant "of" not "if" in the third stanza.
richa bumface est. cum puellis cantat. "cur cantas cum puellis?" caecilius rogat. richa inquit: "bumface sum."
"pestis! furcifer!" caecilius exclamat. multus sanguis fluit.
Yes; the walk to the outhouse can be a terrible, lonely thing. Especially when you know you're going to do a whopper turd.
Much like the unsavoury whoosh emitted when one inserts one's foot into a wellington.
By flinging a packet of bakewell tarts into a homeless shelter and running away in terror
a floppy, shaven walrus clit
you have an ugly face
Like a song of hope that deviates from the thing hoped for, covering it over in pretty prose. If child abuse is the object of god's wrath, then this is hardly how it resolves. A more forceful ending seems appropriate.
This defies standard suicidal parameters. Particularly the -many footpritnts. I think I've heard skin of water somewhere. Um, Blend the first stanza, 'liminate
the -but-. I honestly don't know the first thing about using line breaks, but for some reason I don't like the way this is laid out.
Glad to see you stopped by.
Like this?
call upon the wrath of god
for the sword he yields is truth
and through his word procure
A spot of holy ground
and the seed you sow may grow and bloom
into something that is pure
Great images. Good conclusion. The last stanza breaks up a little but the last 3 lines redeem it. 9
Here's a suggestion: punctuate.
Normally I don't give away the meanings but in this case I made an exception. Hoping it would make the reader re-read the poem and thus think about it more. Many poems use the first line as a title. The Use of King James English is in reflection of the biblical reference. If one of your lines is in latin does the rest of it have to be? Line 3ofS2 Give me a suggestion. Maybe to seperate May and Be? I also see how you would prefer "bares" over "bare" in line 8. I will definately consider re-writing the last stanza. I kinda see where your coming from but till the muse finds me I'll have to live with what I've got. Thank you for your insight. I hope you don't take my response as hostile.
I value your opinion and look forward to more critiques from you.
You never saw this kinda thing happen when the Democrats were running the country.