Dovina
on The Star Of The Bum by Blindpoetry
29 Oct 2004, 11:21 AM
"very Horrendous" is the same as horrendous, and why capitalize it. "I think much like Nothing About You" means something, but what?
From the last 3 lines, her son died as a baby. It's a moving picture as is, but, I'd have preferred to know this sooner.
Explaining a poem is like calling it a riddle. I prefer to glean what I can without explanation. You could title it "Child Abuse," since your title is redundant anyway. Using King James English detracts unless you are consistant. Grammetical problems in lines 5, 8, and line 3 of S2. Good use of the tic Overuse of the wrath of god, unless you do more with it than say it four times. A lot of criticism? Yeah, but I agree with what you're saying.
I could make it not just bigger, but overwhelming, or boring. It’s hard to be entangled in a memory and say anything coherent about it. Thanks. “More depressing than tragic,” yes, maybe because my going there, seeing the remains, closed a door that had remained ajar for years after any possibility of entry had departed.
Seems the poem is a metaphor for something lost.
If so here's my solution.
Do not the burning embers dwindle
In the light of thier own lives
(Yet)the oldest flames may still rekindle
This is how love survives
Let tragedy bind a family.
I give you an 8 'cause I don't get the "bone for rain" thing.
Very vivid images. Well written but could use a stanza dedicated to the beauty of what the place was, for the sake of contrast. Right now it's more depressing than tragic. This poem should be bigger. I feel there's a great story in there. Right now it's a great photograph
but I want the movie. 8 for now
S0-So.
It's about child abuse.
Sorry tree huggers.
i emailed you something scary. did you get it?
chunky
"art thou" "are you" I see what you mean. But I think it might throw off the beat a little. Let me spin it around in my head for a while and then I'll get back to you on it.
I didn't know there was a difference between the two.
I just liked the harder sound of "pray thee" and the omenous double meaning of the word Pray. To put the lines in quotations is a better idea. Forgive me for my bad punctuation. This is the type of criticism I like. This is something I can use.
And what, prithee, is an unnatural pearl? The second-last line breaks the rhythm -- fix it up, it suddenly turns plodding. Perhaps 'Thought not, you dem thoughtless wanker' would do.
Dear heavens that last line is bad. Unless it's a perfectly plotted last line to make us realise the whole thing's a joke, in which case it's quite brilliant. If (as I suspect) it's not, allow me to point something out: What would be sad would be if teen suicide WASN'T an issue. Its being an issue at least means someone's noticed. (The previous of course assumes one thinks suicide a bad thing.)
For some reason, I actually like everything but the last line of each stanza (except for the first, which doesn't quite count.)
Either change 'Pray thee' to 'Prithee' or keep the second person singular throughout the whole sentence (e. g.: 'Pray thee art thou sound in mind?'
This one seems to get alot of hits but no comments. Strange?