Dovina
on Licking An Ashtray by Blindpoetry
7 Sep 2004, 10:46 AM
I'm exhausted.
I've kissed a smoker, and it is like licking an ashtray. It's their business what they do with their health, and it's mine what I think of mine and their effect on it.
You've convince me. I'd love to. Just a few clean-ups would make your offer perfect. Please say either "will" or "can" in the third line, I'm so enamored I don't care which. And please tell me if there is something due you or if there is just dew on the grass. As for what reamins of me, that's tomorrow, this is tonight. Gosh, is my lipstick smeared?
It's not real easy to write like this, I thought it came out fairly well
Far fetched, but some women like that sentimental stuff.
Loved the Renee Blue Eyes down the side bit.
Okay your missing several small details, "a smile that stops me in my tracks", "And sure enough like a deleted scene
The best part of our story
ended up on the screen",
NLD is painting with words, poetry. True it could be better but not by much. I mean the starting out with a ryhme scheme and then doing away with it utterly until the end was a little jutting at first but it was better for his narration of the thoughts and feeling being displayed.
The following comes from the BBC 'Country Profile' for Singapore:
"The country was referred to - less kindly - by the writer William Gibson as 'Disneyland with the death penalty'."
I find that quote highly amusing. Apparently Singapore has a system of punishments for acts such as not flushing a public lavatory. I wonder, is it illegal to break wind in public?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pa
Its amazing what you can do given the right circumstances. -9-
<3 Jason
Loved it despite or perhaps because of the many typos. Expecially the depth and the styling, but the ending was the best part. A real plot twist, but so obvious when you think of the character's first thoughts. Plus the fact that its all thoughts, although I think the last line should have been "". -10- for a splendid poem.
Ryhme Scheme? a-b-a-b a-b-c-b a-b-c-d? What are you thinking? Details? Him, Them, gonna be great, what the hell? Add some. Potential is there just really sloppy writing. This isn't one of those poems that was ment to be so crypticly vague that even the writer won't know what its about after a week or two is it?
-3- for now. Rewrite, Rewrite, and Rewrite. Your words and depth will only get better because of it.
<3 Jason
You need to either pick up the ryhme scheme, not bother with one at all, and change the type from free verse to pimple. -1- because it starts off like it has depth and quickly realizes that it doesn't want to share it. What Words? Who Hung up on you? Things like that are kinda important. Show me why you care at all that they hung. Your words are far to vague and underdeveloped as this piece stands. Rewrite it, like you mean it for god's sake. Put some passion behind your wording, turn a phrase or two, like a poet is meant to or label it correctly as a pimple so that you don't come off as a total putz when real poets or even just anyone whose read a real poem, read your scrawlings.
<3 Jason
So have these children gone feral or something?
mound
\Mound\, n. A pile of earth, gravel, sand, rocks, or debris heaped for protection or concealment