wilco
on Friends by Dovina
19 Aug 2004, 5:15 PM
As aways, good job. This one lacks a little something, however. Not sure what...
re: "We’ve become the people we swore we'd never be."
Didn't you ever say to yourself as a kid that you would never become an adult? Usually I won't clarify things like this, but for some reason I felt compelled to do so here. I meant that we've become adults and that we never (or at least I never) thought that I would actually become one.
Thank you for your honest critism, I certainly can do something with it in the future.
i tell myself the same thing all the time -10-
jeeze..............you guys have had alot to say on this subject.
but it seems to me that you are all saying the same thing in one way or another..........what brought about such an argument?
'80s
"Coldly smothering the fetus: rebellion"
That'll show those non-feotus-smothering government squares.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is it's better in my opinion to describe suppose without using the word suppose. Again just my opinion.
It's nice to be thought nice while cursed. Thanks, Wil.
"Burn the lands to dry barren earth
On which these dark seeds lay strewn."
If only the government would adopt a similar policy of ethnic fire bombing. Look at what Britain has become: Ethnic foods stain our cobbles, tainting the earth in vast swathes of brown; Ethnic smells pollute our parks and town squares, sullying our nostrils with the filth of distant, foreign lands; Ethnic wipes litter our streets and places of work - is it any wonder Gentlemen have taken to wearing gloves at all times? It's all decent, civilised people can do to keep from accidentally reaching for a teacup only to find you've picked up some monstrously soiled tow'lette instead. No Sir, this is not the land I once loved; a land in which all men were free to stroll through the gardens of St James, gay and carefree, unhampered by the constant, crippling fear that at any moment you could end up tredding on a giant upturned turban stuffed full of spicy sausage meats. -10-
Do you honestly think punctuation is for the artless? Is your brain actually thinking that right now? If so, then congratulations, because it is one of the stupidest thoughts ever. How is it possible to think something so bum-like without suddenly exploding in a giant shower of misplaced apostrophes? Punctuation, as any non-stupendously-idiotic person knows, is for clarifying meaning. The only people who think punctuation is for the artless, or that punctuation somehow imposes restrictions on their creativity, are people who are too thick to know how to use it. Instead of trying to defend your ignorance, you might consider doing something about it. Like, I don't know, learning how to punctuate?
I disagree I think that the rhyming adds to the psuedo whimsical nature of the poem it adds a sarcastic twinge. However I feel that If you want to go this route then perhaps you should go all the way. I would Like to see this as a sonnet. But then again I'm just naturally one for pervercity.
I dig the way it builds up each verse grows slightly more intense. With the word usage becomming of a more violent nature with each verse. Progression is an area I find myself somewhat weak in. I do so admire it in others work.
What needs to be said that you haven't my friend!
I can dig the feeling of this, but I have one criticism and it's a criticism I have made of myself in the past, the word pain is such an easy word to use and it comes very naturally however there is a tendancy to dismiss it. For me it's a red flag word. I suppose what I'm trying to say is it's better in my opinion to describe pain without using the word pain. Again jsut my opinion. Otherwise I can dig it.
Punctuation is for the artless - regret is for the dieing - continuity is for the longing and intensity is for the soul.
I thank you for your observation and thought,and I will amend this feeling/poem the best I can.
you define brilliance.