jessicasgurl
on Niggers Don't Write Poetry by pain killer
22 Jun 2004, 1:21 PM
thanx i seen you liked my poem thanx alot ur sweet but holla i gotta bounce up out of this peace
PE@CE OUT
The last four stanza I love.
In the first stanza you write
The quiet hum of the words
seem to fade into
each other in ...
Yuo can't say that, 'The quiet hum...seem to...', you see you continuing the sentence as if the subject was 'words' but it's not, it's 'hum'. 'words' is the subject of the preposition.
The quiet hum of words fading
into each other.
Or something like that.
this a true poem i love it and its so true and all but they can write poems good like this one is awsome
Thank you, most humbly.
and this poem, it's not very good, it's very MEDOICRE really. it's very 3rd form morrissey...i mean, a thousand cigarettes! oh do come on! now there's an original image, an image that's never been conjured up before, smoked cigarettes, overflowing ashtrays, empty coffee cups...but then life is like that eh...a cliche
all comments can be redirected to williamzodiav@wobblehonk.com
'cred'? that's a stretch , isn't it? You are the epitome of mediocrity. The Beige Knave, would be a fitting monicker.
you are writing these yourself aren't you jaime?i mean you and doug are one and the same...either that or you've really scared him (oh my)
by the way your music is, ummm, well, it's mediocre okay. mediocre being pain killer's word of the day.,..very eighties, very jm jarre very not very good at all
Waht means she/he was right, the poem? You don't mention what happened.
TEN!
This is dreadful, and in very poor taste. "Paid up your lease"? what an awful analogy.
Let's see, if some guy sent me this poem, I would think it he was sweet but a simpleton. I don't know if that's a compliment or not.
Terrific.
There's plenty of images in the second stanza which I always applaud, though some of them, like the Egyptian eye fluid, are so wacko they're in comprehensible. I'm especially fond of thr lighter/heart analogy. Try using adjectives. The whole wacko thing is really a matter of whether or not you want the readers to know what you're getting at or maybe this is an insight meant for only you.
'"Helpful" is anything above 0'.
Boll'cks.
This is not as good as it was. Now it's too much "Dear Diary". It's best in the middle parts but the intro just kills it. Instead of calling him an abuser right from the get go, why don't you show us why you 'love' him. Your dealing the cards out face-up and that can be boring when the writing is this simplified. Hide the villainy at first, that might help hold the reader's interest a bit more, and it's more honesr, especially considering that you end this poem with the word love. That says loads about your co-dependence.
I like this title a great deal.
Get some help sweety, please, for my sake. If your both using u together go to AA.
'loves' to?
"Helpful" is anything above 0, anything that says it might not be totally idiodic to continue posting here, your vote and comment, for example.
Could you change 'but' to 'though' or some such thing?
I don't understand the title.
I don't like the rhyming in places, but the story is good, so I shall rate it well. Just try to stay away from forced rhyme in the future please.
-Nichole-