-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
replying on love and hate by jessicasgurl
22 Jun 2004, 11:46 AM
You're bonkers.
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
replying on I must be out of my mind by thepinkbunnyofdoom
22 Jun 2004, 11:42 AM
Do you mean to suggest I'm some sort of idiot?
very much so
ace, you have had over a year to think up that reply. -m10m-
"The pain does not appear to exist.
Although the slightest wind does persist."
This is forced rhyme. "The slightest wind" persisting as little to do with what you talked about in the previous line. I know this is a religious piece, and it was something good that you were trying to portray, but I really have a hot button on forced rhyme, and this is forced.
It's confusing. I think you're trying to say that you're amazed that you can just throw away all the bad things in your life, but I'm not completely sure. If you edit, I'd try to make this a little clearer.
First off, thanks for reviewing my poem, Inside.
This poem was really good. The images were remarkable. I loved your wording. I would have elaborated a little more on the last two stanzas, explain what you meant a little bit more, but that's my only complaint.
-Nichole-
Very cliche...
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
replying on I must be out of my mind by thepinkbunnyofdoom
22 Jun 2004, 11:20 AM
One thing I really like about you richa is your great sense of humour. Keep it up! -10-
You're trying to get across a good message, but I can't give you a good rating. The rhymes are just too forced. Rhymes aren't always terrible, but in this case, it distracts the reader from the meaning of the poem.
Really?
oi fred mczodiac@wibble.com, i suppose i should fold like a fragile flower under the full force of your mordant wit, either that or sulk a lot, but heaven knows we've already got one morrissey thank you very much, and the last time a checked one neil hannon too, although you do a make for a most divine comedy yourself...now where did i leave my whip..oh yes i left it in my valaise...just ask adam and admit you haven't the faintest idea what i'm on about have you?....ahh modern culture mr honk,modern culture.....or at least circa 1977
why thank you for the honest criticsism...refreshingly lacking in ego self stroking aka fred zodiac et al@wibble.com
yeah i have a problem with self editing and metaphorical bullshit easy rhyming sequences apparently, just ask the self same fred zodiac@ honk.com
i'll take your comments to mind, glad you enjoyed it though
this is funny i like it
AND TO EVERYBODY WHO READS THIS, THIS IS MY COUSINS POEM IF U DONT LIKE U R A HATER.Very good Shay I LOVE IT
Sashimi and pink beach people are generally served raw, and what's generally accepted is what we should try for in our food and our poetry, don't you agree?
Raw or grilled with liver and onions?
After writing out the spirit of this, I adopted a semi-form for a poem and started pushing things into the form. But soon I felt cramped within my own clutches and let most of it flow formless. Your suggestions are good, except wasabi is best with sashimi.
Resonates.
last chance cigarette
drunk & fucked up (two different states of being?)
Yeah.