Dovina
on an ode to love by francis nor capule
21 Jun 2004, 5:01 AM
One of the best definitions of love I've seen. I really like, "for if logic or reason won over love, would it be the same?" Bravo!
"you thought him" -> you taught him
Cruel and biting - the spice of life. And yes on the comma. Thanks.
Actually that is quite a bad line. Needs some more work I think.
Good, if voted *8*
Sounds too much like only the decent beginning of a more substantial poem. I appreciate the use of language. *7*
not my genre exactly, but well done. *8*
"piss" kind of threw me off, and this is almost too close to prose for me, but impressive nonetheless. Great imagery and conveyance. *10*
Excellent, cruel, biting ending makes this work. Would've liked to see it split up though, and the last line should have a comma. *8*
Liked it, but the "soul doth yearn" line made me wonder what century it was.
Funny, funny
This poem was written for a friend of mine. After she told about her suicide attempt.
I don't like about suicide, but if it helps you to cope, then okay. Some redundancies could be omitted like, "The world rushed by me / At an intense pace," as one example. "You quickly broke my neck" was a surprise.
Haunting and good.
Ah, well thats just how it unfolded in my mind as I wrote it really... and honestly can't see what order there is at all in the piece, having forged it in reckless abandon and comfortably detached. It is odd I guess. To me it's normal and.. unhampered.
Did you intend a connection between these 2 lines:
"For his life has been wasted with no one but himself
He has not enjoyed life to the fullest"
I like the idea,but the meter leaves a lot to be desired.
It is'nt a bad poem, just too wordy, about ten or twenty less
syllables would do it more justice.
No serious, there seems to be so many fragments that seem to be unnanounced: Methylated vapours, fresh-spilt blood, freaky brainspace. Just seems out of kilter.
Feels like T.S. in the line about the silly laughter and in the almost "non-sequitur" feel in the lines about the skin, sweat and sun that bring it all together. Love it.