Btw - I bet you could do this with less than half the words. I don't mean this as a dig in anyway, but after reading all of your poems (here, and there) I really think it would make them stronger. (please, don't throw that shoe)

i'll do that.. but give me some time ya.. thanx

First, thanks for the critique and I think (hope) that the writers block has been lifted. Second, you're right about the little things...just a little problem I have (as discussed with Shin Shuu somewhere on this page. I've got to work on that. Third, with the last sentence, i just couldn't get it to sound right putting the 'she' in there. Fourth, I was just happy not to get a "Personally, I honestly don't think you'll ever be any good at writing poetry. Poets are born not made. You can improve, but only so far. You're poetically tone deaf." That stings. But I'll keep your suggestions in mind, for sure...and thanks.

For horus8 and Shardik to "69" would require an extra mouth and set of genitalia, as well as some kind of sharklike cartilaginous spine. You would find it interesting, no doubt, but I'm afraid you'd never be able to see Cirque de Soliel the same way afterward.

"I wrote this poem in X minutes, therefore its immune to your criticism" is the buncombe dodge of an inverterate guffer.

Shut up. Or, even better - since you're not going to follow my advice, anyway - learn to fucking type. And incidentally: "Torper" is correctly spelled "Torpor." Almost all of your commas require spaces after. Dashes, when used properly, should either be doubled (word--word) or spaced (word - word). As none of yours are used correctly, I don't think you need to worry about that part yet. "Lose" should be "loose." This poem is rather crappy - mostly because of your last line, but at least ten percent because of the idiotic comments with which you've besmeared this site today. Hey, and here's a prognostication for you: Doug: Fuck you. I know as much about writing as you! Jaime zodiac: Not. I have a Master's in Poetry from an accredited Poetry School, and besides I don't give a fuck what you think about writing or anything else for that matter, no returns. Doug: Stuffy intellectual elitist! You're what's wrong with poemranker and btw I gave all your poems zeros. Jaime zodiac: cock. Doug [a week later, at most]: ...

Are you a great ape trained to roughly approximate human typing?

Is English your second language?

I would pull those hip-huggers down to your ankles and take your ass cherry,if you still had your's!-which you hav'nt had since you were ten!

Much. some redundances you really should keep an eye out for: 'dancing waltzes...' the waltzes suggests dancing already, you might consider leaving the dancing out, helps with the flow of the image. 'and hoping for an evening rain to fall' Rain falls, everybody knows that so again, you could make things prettier by leaving '...to fall' out of it. Small little things make all the difference. Like Nanas embroidered napkin tucked under the silverware, or cleaning the mirror in the bathroom. I love the second stanza, the relationship between birth and death. Try not to use 'her' twice in one sentence if you can help it. the her in the final sentence is uncertain, which girl are you longing for? That last sentence could use 'She' at the beginning. Real good. Nice job.

Nice use of"pining"and"conveniently""godesses husband". Do me one favor?Suck one more penis before you go back to Nordstoms-please?

thanks "god'swife" I looked those words up myself.Da ha da ha.

My ego almost said thanks.