MacFrantic
on Taupe is an Angry Mob by MacFrantic
21 Apr 2004, 7:32 AM
It IS about the title. Grey is often associated with anonymity. That is essentially what a mob is, right?
Vote again after I change it please! Great feedback!
I wish this poem had actually been about the title.
interesting (good) title.
not sure I like "soil thronging" - with the surrounding text it may be [subconciously] parsed as "schlonging" ... that could just be me though.
Lots good about this stanza:
"I know not with what to please them
They thrive like rapid wildfire
So judge me now
As a solemn winter
Unable to ice a flame
Parity in diversion"
but kill the last line ("Parity...") there, and I don't like the "charcoal" refrain - for what its worth (though I liked it alot the first time).
hmmm... "deterred" - not "deferred"? okay, fine.
"leaving me" might flow better.
Period at the end - did you try any other last lines?
I find myself wanting to know more about what the dream den is. Which isn't necessarily bad.
- "The last time I heard 'Candle in the Wind' sung so badly, Stephen was buggering Elton John without either first removing their backfat sheaths."
- "If the Gallagher brothers were here, you know what they'd say about your performance? [IMPERSONATING NOEL]: 'Royt, utlut ut lut lut tutle bloody luttuh lat.' [IMPERSONATING LIAM]: 'Bloody loyt toylet lot lut bloody bloody lut lut bloody.'"
- "You can't touch me."
good language and a pleasant vignette.
BUT can you do something with the last line (maybe I just have trouble with last lines?).
I keep thinking of guitars... (plus you could do better I think).
the core of a memorable pop lyric, I'd say.
"If your voice was an Israeli bomb defuser, you would be going home in a sponge."
ahh, love songs with trains - gotta love em.
Good one.
- "I look like the love-child of Pierce Brosnan and Antonio Banderas, not you."
- "You are a turd ... a big turd."
- "I think your singing was bad. Unfortunately, I'm badly gay."
- "My Britishness keeps Americans from realizing I'm gay, whilst everyone knows that you are."
Suggestions for Simon Cowell:
"If you were a tard you would be a fucktard"
"If only you could sing as well as I disguise my back fat"
"You sing like a spaz in a bath"
I have just had to adjust my back fat encompassing suit trousers to stop my sides from splitting and an unfortunate, awkward to explain away, ejaculation of fatted back hitting my secretary across her face.
These are genuine 'witty' 'quips' by Simon Cowell on American Idol:
- "It was like The Exorcist."
- "If your lifeguard duties were as good as your singing, a lot of people would be drowning."
- "You had about as much passion as a kitten mewing."
- "You sang like someone who sings on a cruise ship. Halfway through I imagined the ship sinking."
- "I think you're amazing ... amazingly dreadful."
- "That was extraordinary. Unfortunately, it was extraordinarily bad."
Please check out this article for the best of the American anti-Cowell backlash, as it's both our countries in a nutshell: http://slate.msn.com/id/2098000
See, now that's just weird - I was just *this morning* choking down a picture of Hitler undergoing a forced sex-change surgery while I was drawing a picture of you cramming lederhosen down your throat. I stopped though, because I didn't know what color to draw the eye.
You know that's true, right? The corset thing?
Simon Cowell looks like every American's idea of a European football player nearing retirement. We have an idea of European football players nearing retirement, you ask? Yes.
Violetsuede couldn't wear back fat allocating trousers. She has no part of her body that is not fat to allocate fat to. At best they would make her look like Simon Cowell. At worst like some swollen radish.
Simon Cowell is also ace, double-ace. He has an extremely low gusset built into his trousers to enable him to efficiently manage his back fat by having his trousers around his nipples. This precludes an unsightly bugle just above his trousers on both his hips.
If Violetsuede were have a special pair of these "back fat alloacting" trousers she would be the first American to make me laugh.
one fix: "plague[']s nature"
I can't help thinking there's a simpler way to say the same thing, but I guess the vocabularic diarrhea, and I mean that in the nicest possible way, is a style - and I really won't fault you for that. I think the thing does encapsulate a complete thought, as well.
I'm forced to consider the merrits of this style, however; it raises questions as I read the piece ... Who is your audience? Is the style consistent with the message? And a broader question: what is the value of language?
See what happens? I completely ignore the message and go right to the method of conveyance.
.....You're a turd.