Shuushin
replying on innocent voyeur by nentwined
19 Apr 2004, 6:23 PM
heheh - good one.
Well, if you've got the razor, you might as well use it. :)
Fine. FINE.
I'll just go back to smoking crack then (really, I was splitting hairs)
cool beans. :)
I'm liking it more and more, myself.
Hmm. I think the whole poem avoids questions; it's meant to be a statement of unknowns that I attempt to fathom.
The (current) last line seems fine to me.
I like the poem[e] quite well up to that last line - it sounds like you are trying to avoid a question via syntax.
balleys? I think you mean ballets.
The last line seems contradictory after setting up the theme of finding meaning and truth. I'd try to go back to who we listen to for the last line.
Still? No, I like that one.
The previous last line, the line after the current last line, was... "all else imagination.".
Tell me more.
Or are you just "what can be done?" in general? :)
"really really glad"
is you makin' fun of poetry?? are you mocking me? HUH PRETTY-BOY - are you mockin ME??
that last line, man.
what can be done?
The set up is out of proportion to the delivery, but the language is solid enough.
Something to think about if you ever do a rewrite.
quite an ambitious ditty - but I think too long?
Still, enjoyable enough!
Thanks. :) I worried about the last line before posting (wrote it (well, the whole poem), drunk, at a bar, several months ago).
Better.
Done. how now? :)
I would lose the last line. It introduces another topic. Otherwise good.
olympic dogfighting?