tre
replying on Cabbagetown will miss you by tre
8 Apr 2004, 12:53 AM
i fixed the three's to Three's, had to. anyways crazy, this IS more prose, but thats how i wanted to write it, a eulogy if u will....i can see how i could make it better for a better poem, thanks anyway B....good critique, ..except for the part where u tried to rewrite my entire stanza!
There are so many great things happening in this poem...some really great line I LOVE the last stanza...still I think it can be cleaned up the images can be made sharper...cut out some of the narrative parts make us feel Cabbagetown not just hear about it. Also capitalize three to make it clear it is his name. An example of possibly a way to edit it:
Parties with dogs
who roam streets
chase cats
speak to eachother All NIGHT
They too were at your birthday party
everyone was there but you
not you THree you were in the hospital
there were no dogs there
your accident struck you down before your cancer could
Lifes a Bitch Three but you already knew that
People whisper its better this way My mom says it too
I still don't understand
I wish I had known you better
I don't know if that is cleaner but something along those lines would make this incredibly powerful poem even more powerful
Keep with this poem It will be GREAT
Actually, it's about drugs.
Rhymes with harder and part-or. I have no need to have looked up martyrdom at dictionary.com, as ten years of Catholic-school nuns tattooed it in very large print on my ass.
I didn't notice the alls. When I first read this, I think I saw it as a bitter metaphor for p/r, which is why I gave it such a high vote. But looking at it now, I'm inclined to regard it as a magick-faieriye-dance poem, with some silly language like "Dark as night with day's own light." That doesn't make the slightest sense; it's just poetic jibber-jabber. So, a compromise: Spindle, you slipped one by me, so your vote stands. I'll be more careful in the future.
Love it
Me wander? should be "I and Jesus and Joan..."
and whats with martyr-dom? did you paste it from dictionary.com, by any chance?
All too many "all"s ...
zodiac, you're starting to scare me.
Hell yes
Tara57
on The most trite garbage ever(in other words my love life) by thepinkbunnyofdoom
7 Apr 2004, 5:44 PM
I wasn't sure if I liked this poem very much until I saw that it was a pimple...So in that case it fits perfectly well done
I like the way it sounds..."you rolled by like a slow freight train" I like the tone and feeling of the poem. Its a bit simple for though the poem its self is a deep metaphor..I almost wish it was longer but I still think its great!!
The medieval mystic Catherine of Siena believed Jesus married her during a vision by giving her the foreskin from his circumcision.
Wacky numbers: beloved crutch of dullards everywhere.
Twelve? Come now, I'm not that old. Why I'd almost be to the point of Midlife Crisis in this Day and Age were I near so old as Twelve. I'm only 7.576 years old.
Childish Longing, followed by Adult Realization. The first few stanza's(Thanks Zodiac for making that happen) Seemed a tad pouty and rather brat like, but the last few show true wisdom. -10-
Yeah, but you're still about 12. Wait until you get older.
I don't suffer hangovers. I never have. I either wake up sober or drunk, no pain what so ever.
Its not talking about drunks, yes it centers around one, but he's what is putting himself in the cycle. We do it, day by day. We set ourselves on the same paths we followed the day before, and wonder why things are so dull, or always so painful. Thats what I'm talking about here. Constant conditioning of self.