Shardik
replying on A Quick Lick Of Yellow by Jeremi B. Handrinos
6 Apr 2004, 6:06 PM
Here's a lesson in poetry friend, anything fucking goes, try it sometime, and while you're at it, smile.
Doug, you're running on empty mate.
Yummy.
I feel like whenever I try to make a substantive comment on your poems you're like ohmygod bitch, like you can even and shit, but here goes:
I don't see why you didn't write "down a path lit with hibachi, (comma)" or something besides "as the waters miasma". Or why this doesn't make more like your usual amount of sense.
But you do deserve props for inventing the first courier-specific poetry with your truly magical villanelle "Often, I'll sit down to pee." And for being the world's first successful Negro soul transplant. -10-
A lesson in dictionary usage, and things Egyptian and Japanese. Miasma is a noun, but that's ok. Uracil is a colorless, crystalline, pyrimidine base, and not too well known. I'd prefer a more common word. Same for sessile.
A shockingly brown autoclam. -10-
Up to their necks in bullshit like the lot of us more than likely.
nice. You don't hear much about old Ra and Osiris these days...I wonder what they're up to?
u got some guts, again, a great poem
I love it, crazy story huh?
please. go someplace else with this crap.
Not for this. The sentiment is too gushing with too little meaning. How do the cobbleestones of Paris encompass anything, for example?
Foresake should be Forsake.
I'm a little muddy on 'the polite case', but I'm sure you mean something by it.
I would like to see you put a different punctuation after 'up' and eliminate the 'for' afterward. Though when I read it it sounds good.
I find it reads better with a comma after faked and no 'and' before 'worn'. See what you think.
'At your heart, a poor gown' is the weakest line and should be re-written. The last lines are really strong arresting etc, but I wonder if there's a better word to put in the place of 'worth'.
The form seems to work pretty well. You might consider putting some space in every couple of lines, though. I don't know, play around and see what you think.
I find the Poemranker submit box, and most everything else about the site, very conducive to our craft, given http limitations.
I'm with you on this right up to "compressed thoughts." It seems to be saying that journaling is a good thing, which many of us think it is. Second to living, it's quite satisfying.
Have a 5 just because I don't know what you are talking about or how it relates to the title.
Well said, but I'll give a 7 just because it's well written.
Because although I write a lot about myself, I was finally quite pleased to write something that wasn't exactly a self-analysis, more an advisory voice: I may understand what I am saying but the poem is a response, a literal "look at yourself".