wilco
on Alive within the sound of life by Prince of Void
5 Apr 2004, 6:50 PM
Not a bad poem, but I think that you need to incest in Microsoft Word simply for the spell-checker. I've found that it helps!
Hey, you know what? Bow'ls.
what word could i use on the "soon to turn green" instead of the word "green"
Passionate.
A: Yes, the wording is unattractive and doesn't even seem like proper english, but it's very important to me to state it as a way of life.
2: I honestly didn't notice the repitition of that. Man, that bites grandmas.
Orange: It's very important to capitalize the "religiousish" words, because that's what especially has to be taken note of.
Tony Danza: I didn't notice the "murmer" thing either. Thanks.
Finally: It's actually not as overstated as you think. You just have to know what this is truly about. The two main stanzas are about entirely separate things, and they explore (perhaps in a nearly sermonic fashion) the important aspects which must be placed together to give the full picture. I highly doubt that anyone cares so much (nobody could be so bored), but I could explain it line by line if requested. Only the last stanza is truly repetitive.
There are views expressed in this piece that, although they may be clumsily conveyed, number too greatly to put into eight lines.
wAgreed. wBut whey, wwhatcha' wgonna wdo?
I mean, "the cobblestones of Paris on a lonely night"?? What a leaping turd from the oniony roof of Sacre Couer. "The moon feels without moonbeam," too.
I get whimsical sometimes. Not with you, though.
Zodiac, how can I trust your votes anymore? Too much is overwritten here, too many spelling and grammar faults. Some nice thoughts, but "my heart throbs?"
No, sorry, it doesn't follow.
I'd gove you 10 if you'd said 9.
zodiac
on On the Discovery of Cyclone #11 and a Card-Playing Bear . by MacFrantic
5 Apr 2004, 2:42 PM
I knew this old East German raver
Who'd do me sometimes for a favor
Man, she was so hirsute
That to locate her chute
Took an hour with an electric shaver
Yes you love her, we got that right away, and many of the many ways are repeated in other ways as we go through this long poem. Still some lines are good:
some deleted user
on On the Discovery of Cyclone #11 and a Card-Playing Bear . by MacFrantic
5 Apr 2004, 2:23 PM
Cute, but rhymes are forced.
Should first line be "thousands of tears?"
Should second line omit the extra spaces?
Should third line be "sorrow?"
The list goes on!
the 48-hour rule.
why didn't you just add a new poem instead of blowing this one away?
"Self reliance is the way we're told" is poor wording.
The repetition of "All the while" is more irritating than interesting.
I would recommend not capitalizing the random religiousish words.
"Murmer" should be "murmur."
More importantly, I find this a supreme overstatement, a single idea refashioned about 30 minimally-different ways. I'd be interested in seeing how you would express the same idea in maybe 8 lines. Or how you'd fit more ideas into this (or a smaller) space. Take a look here for an idea of how that's done: http://www.poemranker.com/user-browse.js
I laughed, I cried.
nice job.
i love it