BrandonW
on *-UNTITLED*- by ga_writer
9 Mar 2004, 11:24 AM
Take that same idea, that same general message.. and try and completely rewrite it. Try and make it sound more natural, dont worry so much about your rhyme. I dont think its doing you any justice.
I am all about simplicity, but c'mon! Try reaching out from the ordinary rhyme scheme, and try being creative in your use of symbolism, simile, and methaphors! You dont want me to leave a vote.. keep writing, keep posting
lol i dunno i wanted 2 draw something on here its not a concrete but i .. dunno -_-
and im still confuze wat is testes????? if thats balls i dont have any im a girl .... whats testes....hmmmm...o.O
D_A, a descendant of Oscar Wilde?!!!!
How the hell did that happen, alert joe-joe.
P.s I presumed you meant ascendant.
guff
hah no..but one eye of mine is smaller than the other...but its not that noticable..hmm..okay nehoo! this O.o means..strange and this o.O means confuzed this -_- means fed up theres tonz of other ones but i dun wanna waste my time on ya..AHEM i mean on this discussion...haha lata ^.^
i'm miles from home,i'm pissed off. i'm hurting,i'm in a cafe,and i write.i write
The car metaphor or whatever it is is too clumsy and esoteric, and often absurd. You might as well talk about leaving a cake out in the rain and losing the recipe and it taking so long to bake. (MacArthur Park)
Read it out loud 'if you want to stop for food don't ride with me'. You can not write in an angry manner and then talk about stopping off for food.
just an attempt at actually using a rhyme scheme of some sort
Ok, obviously ,what i thought was good wasn't good.
:-/
I know this isn't poetry, but can anyone donate critiquing? I'm desperate, now, for this one.
Thank you for the comment.. how can i revise it. I really want to know.. i'm a beginner.. i just write.. i really never thought about of putting it on the web.. thanx for what u said though!! all help is wanted!! ~NaTe
Thank you. (I hope that's not sarcasm);)
and your predictable retort - the other angle was that I'm referring to my own included haiku.
And thank you for showing me the word "Limpest" for the first time in print.
Limpest possible reply.
I know the general feeling I think your trying to convey with this poem, and maybe the inspiration for the other ones. I think your poems are decent, they have potential though.. Maybe think of revising. Its good to see other Ga writers though.. - 5
This is definately a step in another direction for me. I write of my experiences, and what I know. Though the other day I watched a show entitled, Terror's Children on the Discovery Times Channel. And I just so happened to write down this poem immediately afterwards. I know nothing of being an unwanted Afghani immigrant. You are absolutely right, this poem was very simple with no emphasis on one particular thing. This was just my simple interpretation of what I had just seen. You can check it out here: http://times.discovery.com/convergence/t
I DIDN'T EVEN READ IT.. I JUST SAW THE COWBOY AND WAS AMAZED HAHAHAHA!!! thats neat!
I like it... but do you answer?? LOL!! Call it the phone call!!! ~Nathan (ga_writer)