Christof
on Jade Teacup by heartlessempath
17 Feb 2004, 4:14 AM
Get rid of the last line - it's unnecessary.
"My heart has shattered like glass,
I wish this feeling would surpass,"
Strong evocative sentiment.
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
on Freud suggested that I commit murder. by DreamerSupreme
17 Feb 2004, 2:17 AM
<SUPREME_DREAMER_POEME> -> <L>
<L> -> <SENTENCE_FRAGMENT><BR><L>
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
on Serendipity (title suggestions wanted) by SupremeDreamer
17 Feb 2004, 1:18 AM
Dunces With Wolves
(title suggestion)
no viet is
Thank you - now I know who basil brush is!
It was a joy reading this poem. There isn't anything here that bothered me; perfect write, except I'd change the linebreaks-- but honestly now, every poet has his way of applying pressure on the space bar.
(What were you trying to accomplish exactly with the peculiar way you've inserted the line-breaks? How were you trying present the poem?)
Blessed with ten.
wow, in the course of this pome you slit your wrists, drown, bleed to death, and are apparently chopped up into pieces.
How will you ever recover from such dire abuse in time to post another pome next week?
Recovering would take weeks, if not months, of hospitalization. So if we see another post in the next couple of weeks we'll all know the pome was bullshit hyperbole.
Editing suggestions? Cmon now, we are talking about a fucking massive amount of material here-- so to keep it simple perhaps you should break this up into several poems?
This piece as one entire poem is a short novella; then theres the linebreaks ofcourse... its seems a little random, and just about midway through the piece it seems like you suddenly abandoned putting form to your blank-verse all-together.
Other than the length, I enjoyed all of it (most of it anyway, there is ALOT of IT.. and my brain can only digest so much information at once.)
Blessed with ten.
Quite good.. I think you could compact this and concentrate on the last two stanzas; I believe they have the most impact, the rest seems like filler-- but there are some nice parts which are worth remaking.
Just some suggestions/opinions, do whatever you like with it-- just don't get offended, whats the point?
Blessed with nine.
This love, it vibrates?
Could you provide an example of what you've read which is the "same type of crap you heard a million times before"?
And don't give me a thousand stupid poems about "morning", because it is small piece of my poems over-all metaphor.. if you haven't noticed theres alot about vampires and blood, and that too has been done a good bit-- BUT, I don't remember any of them talking about vampires in the morning since everyone knows sunlight kills the fuckers?
Then theres the cleansing bit which provides the poem with a fairly sound ending... all-together the poem utilized common subjects together to create a very different context that I think has a pretty original meaning--
In other words its not something thats been done much or at all;
I could be wrong though, because I am undeniably human.. or a mutant hybrid of some sort-- So please provide some evidence or examples that would affirm your vague claims and provide an answer to your grievances?
Me personally- and egotistically? I believe you're simply saying my poem is unoriginal because I compared you're last posted poem to the ones I wrote when I just started puberty.
But everyone has their own day to day conclusions about everything that happens or exists within their own personal interpretation of reality. So the truth is unfortunately deteremined by claims that are largely considered to be true. Shit happens-- Getting spooned with a fork might cure common human confusion?
Jesus christ it must be difficult to walk down the street of a typical american city these days what with all the debris from exploding/shattered teen hearts, the corpses littering the sidewalks of kids who just couldn't handle their life of never being hungry and having the best medical care, schooling, clothing, & toys in the history of mankind.
Whine whine whine whine whine whine whine. You are no punk. You're a fucking whiner.
There's another 16 year old on here who actually knows how to write. She's called Fear of Garbage. Maybe she's 17 now.
Look her up: THAT's poetry.
This is not poetry. It's whining.
heard all this type of crap a million times before, can't you be more original?
wow I could have related to this poem about two years ago but then I grew up and found out that sliding a knive across your arms is not the best way to feel sorry for yourself but anyway good poem.
There's nothing like a good poem about insomnia. And this is nothing like one. Bomm and, indeed, boom, as Basil Brush might say.
Well, that is a pickle. Probably the best way is to simply write alot and get feedback.
A dictionary will help, of course - www.dictionary.com, but even with that, some folks parse the syllable count differently anyway. ). Having a feel for how one word is pronounced it might be useful to see what words rhyme with it, so another good resource for you might be www.rhymezone.com (but don't rely on it!).
rather than counting syllables in your [haiku] strive for an economy of words - each having a purpose leading up to the final, cutting, word.
the articles (the, this), while helping your syllable count, don't add value toward the meaning.
oh - and haiku, in english anyway (if such a thing exists), don't usually rhyme. Not that I'm not a fan of those who walk a different path. Maybe something other than an endryhme -
*insomnia*
Sleep, a distant farm
crops of roosters fully ripe
flee before my sheep.