dreamsdiefirst
replying on Insomnia by dreamsdiefirst
15 Feb 2004, 11:22 PM
English is not my native language so I have been struggling with both vocabulay and syllable count. Do you suggest any resource so I can catch-up?
Thanks! Dont know the iota of Japanese. Had an idea to write this poem. Finally found words related to Haiku poems on a website and thus constructed this Haiku. Thanks for reviewing.
This was infact a pun on American corporations which want to outsource everything to other countries and leaving their own countrymen and women jobless. I didn't mean to hurt any bodys feeling with this. I am sorry if you are offended. I am not an American but the "99.9% of people" that you have mentioned, dream baout living, loving and nurturing with "fat ignorant people" - I wonder why????????
Sexual? Well that wasn't my intention.. how does it come off as sexual? Please explain, I'm oblivious to the poems sexuality.
Started doesn't sound right either.. I'll edit that line in the future to get a better idea of possible alternative ways to put it, but for now I'll leave it as is.
it was "merry go around (my brain is now history)" that seemed to me a massive amount of writing which had little or no meaning, but appeared classy.. I don't think he meant to trick others, thats just my opinion of the poem- how it appeared to me.
Wounded Schoolboy? What are you talking about? The poem isn't an act of retaliation or something, its simply my way of turning my irritation into a artistic output..
Plus I was thinking about Icarus at the time and wanted to write something based on the story, but I didn't have a real idea how to start.. crwncka inspired me despite the fact that I didn't like that particular poem of his.. wounded? Far from it.
I read that poem of his and wrote this a while ago. I didn't post it then because at the time I saw it as one of my "journal entry poems".
crwncka1? I didn't think that last bit was too badly made...
It's a very dense prosaic style, but I can appreciate the use of language in it.
I wouldn't call it pretty, but certainly not an attemp at trickery.
That's what this poem is about then, about another poemranker poet? Yeah, about that... how's that whole "wounded schoolboy" thing workin for ya?
You have some good perspectives, why waste it on stuff like this?
"as calm as shock"
Very sexual. Freud would have a nice time with this.
the language is good, but I think "initiated" is better toned down as "started". The rest works, imho.
It was something I wrote after reading a rubbish poem from crncraw (sp?) or whatever, don't remember exactly his penname...
This thought of icarus being converted to fuel some other thought or inspiration is a good one.
Would be worthy of a poem with it as a central theme. The idea of it can be used in other similar tales - like christ's body used as fertilizer, perhaps (would have to work around the logic problem of the whole stored in a cave thing, though).
As for the rest of this poem, it smacks of an attack on someone, though I don't think the reader is given a solid idea of who - a personal mission perhaps?
Y2kSlamPoet
replying on If you have a god complex buy a mustang! by Y2kSlamPoet
15 Feb 2004, 5:09 PM
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I will attack this again some time in the next few weeks. Maybe I'll even post it on eratosphere, if I'm feeling masochistic.
Reading again I see some very elementary problems. I musta been on crack when I edited & reposted this.
...uncles lean on cars, their beer
takes away the sting.
-- might actually be better, in terms of the main meaning. Good edit.
However, uncles leaning on THEIR cars is a very personal image for me -- the family reunions at my grandma's house with my father's 13 surviving siblings, their spouses, and a bazillion cousins. So ima gonna hafta leave this one the way she be.
This is some quick scrawl that I wrote.. so no, it isn't something I put much effort into-- but I thought it might amuse or interest some.
five seven then five
do you need an abucus?
I counted this thrice.
actually, you can play with the syllable count - I just like posting that when I get the chance.
;o)
Did you do it on purpose? If so, why not just stick the other syllable ("I") in there?
With "in som ni a" you are basically halfway there; that's a tough one.
Indeed. Imagine the day a nation filled with fat ignorant people born into more wealth and privelege than 99.9% of people who have ever lived stop whining about someone else getting a chance at life.
What are you talking about? There is a great deal of shame in that.
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JAPANESE IS JUST LIKE ELVISH RUNES IT IS SO MAGICAL
Oh dear, no, indeed. The last time we tried that, they, they, they started hopping all about the place, dreadful thing. http://www.nationmaster.com/encyclopedia