penguin fiend
replying on Last love poem by penguin fiend
29 Jan 2004, 1:57 PM
totally
Oh does this one rhyme? I didn't notice, I guess I was too wrapped up untangling tenses and thinking about Nietzche rolling his eyes.
You're right, the "but" is entirely unnecessary.
I think your right about steel cubes too, but I haven't anything better to mind. I'll have to think about it.
It was written at different times, almost everything I write is, sometimes with years in between additions.
I also think I want to ditch soul in the third line, and just say "Knows me for my similarity." Whaddya think?
You can write what you want. Readers can say what they want. Why should the freedom go only one way?
If you don't want to hear what people have to say about what you write, don't post. If you want to hear only a particular type of comment about what you write, post somewhere that is censored and moderated and targeted at your demographic group.
There are other online poetry forums where, if you posted this particular piece of shite, they wouldn't say anything at all, they would simply delete your post and your account.
excellent
i know that many people call this a "Teen Angst" poem or what not...i think it is good...i belive that poetry is poetry, and people shouldnt say what you should be writting or what you shouldnt...this is just my opinion but i find poems to be what ever the hell your feeling, a lot of people can relate or not to those feelings so i think you should keep pouring your heart out no matter what people say...it's YOUR poem...
NOT theirs!
i think you should become a proffesional...i've been reading these to a friend of mine and she's fallen in love with them...she said they are some of the most well written she's seen yet on poemranker...i'll have to agree.
i can imagine everything as i read it...
i think this poem is pretty....
this poem really benefits from the introduction. To me the superstition, almost delusion contrasts really well with the sadness.
Don't think the note is needed now the poem says 'untouch the metal' the part associated with sex is the part associated with regret.
alright. i like: hunched black bird,the pole, fragile egg body, gingerly, the jarring last line.
i dislike: beginning a line with the word "but," steel cubes (a poor metaphor) and i think thats about it.
interesting but ultimately could be much better if you just wrote it all together like a flow and din't worry about. i might be wrong but this sounds like it was written at different times...there are these intervals..
i really like it...
i could imagine everything as i read it
Ah, the famous 'street'/'speak' half-rhyme, finished up with the stalwart 'home' and 'alone'! Go on, now, and tell yourself (and us) that we can't write half this well. We don't mind.
Dear god... You might consider changing your title to "8 Commas, a Dash, an Exclamation Mark, and 839 Words of Meaningless Rambling Drivel, Topped By a Pretentious Use of 'Hath'." Do you do this all the time?!? My favorite part is "a true vision of knowing found looking deep within to find the surface hiding your real nature" which is, after all, as good an instance as any of something being found by finding.
Dieser hier ist kein Ãbermensch, sondern ein Ãberkitsch.
dead good.
matthew & James do you remeber a chap called david wilson from High Wycombe? I know him and he has just dumped my friend I want to spank the living Greg Dyke out of him.
Mighty damn good.