-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
replying on Captain Cannibal by Lenore
26 Jan 2004, 10:42 AM
Hey guys, don't argue! This is poemranker, a place where people can post their poems and know they will receive CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, ok? So stop tearing down each other's work and why not try to find the positives?! Great!!!!1
lines three and four are quite good, has a nice laidback feel
A bulging glans of shame.
Ok...Thanks for bringing that to my attention...Guess my fingers got moveing to fast LOL..
Is it gravy in the third part?
Strangely exposed. I don't like 'strangely' here. It implies that you are a confused observer to yourself - not really understanding what is going on around you. It has the effect of distancing you (and therefore the reader) from the scene. Focus on the the nature of the wound that exposes the brain tissue and derive your adjective in that manner.
Thruogh is spelled Throooooo.
They'll catch you soon.
poetry is crafted language. Now, consider: if you told a cabinetmaker that his cherrywood bookcase looked spontanEous, would that be an insult or a compliment?
dirty, sad, heart dragging steal. 10
Why be ambiguous?
Why don't we each launch into a thousand-word treatise detailing the riveting minutia of our daily lives? Let us know each other better. Or we can both remain unfashionable, disreputable enigmas. I guess my poetry is just another example of how far I am out of the loop. All I can hope for, I suppose, is the moment when my special brand of poetry takes over the world.
I encourage you to hold your breath for that particular day.
Also, perhaps it would prove beneficial, if we all here at poem ranker, purposely avoided reading many of the âclassicsâ of poetry just so that we can formulate no opinion at all instead of one that is completely wrong.
Please note the means by which I intersperse comedy with tension and respond accordingly.
Why be ambiguous?
Why don't we each launch into a thousand-word treatise detailing the riveting minutia of our daily lives? Let us know each other better. Or we can both remain unfashionable, disreputable enigmas. I guess my poetry is just another example of how far I am out of the loop. All I can hope for, I suppose, is the moment when my special brand of poetry takes over the world.
I encourage you to hold your breath for that particular day.
Also, perhaps it would prove beneficial, if we all here at poem ranker, purposely avoided reading many of the âclassicsâ of poetry just so that we can formulate no opinion at all instead of one that is completely wrong.
Please note the means by which I intersperse comedy with tension and respond accordingly.
Without going to far into our oh-so-protected details of educational background and profession, let me just tell you that if I miss the 'point,' a whole lot of people are going to miss it too. Sorry to sound so damn stuck-up. And you don't know who 'people like me' are. By the way, I feel forced into being entirely critical, which I didn't intend. "Starvation holds water better than your boat," is really good. The rhyme and rhythm are good throughout. I really like the scansion of the lines and a lot of the images. I think Captain Cannibal is a silly name, but you can pull it off (Lord knows there be sillier names here.) If the meaning is some 'Alive'-type you-have-to-eat-to-live crap, you would do well to consider adding something more. That's all.
If a poem is only average unless it has grammatical anomalies, then - let me tell you - it's average anyway. In fact, it's even more average for being just like every other kid who read 'i sing of olaf glad and big' in high school and thinks that's the future. I'm all for people thinking they're the future, provided they really are the future, and not just some amateur-looking hack. Now what I'm trying to say is that you have stuff that will make you not look like an amateur-looking hack, but you're throwing it away to save your precious anomalies. You say they're "just waiting to become kitschy and, dare I say, even cool if only I have the personal fortitude." I'm sorry to say, it's not only you with the personal fortitude. Look here (http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.
thank-you..now if only you had been my Lit. teacher when i was in school ;)
thank-you very much :)
no...but if you find it on one of her albums please let me know so i can contact her about royalties..lol
It is because of people like you, who are notorious for their ability to seek out the delicate nuances and subtleties of allegory and then miss the point by roughly nine light-years, that I find I should probably whip something up to animate the story of my poems in a thought balloon.
On the other hand, perhaps without these brilliant critiques I would still be scratching out drivel on birch bark with a burnt stick.
I most certainly will not! As you have seen, the grammatically incorrect poems that are so typical on this sight really make the entire thing what it is. If they were constantly normal, grammatically correct poems, there would be nothing to read except average â and thatâs boring.
By Gods, I have a whole boatload of other oddball grammatical anomalies that, apparently, are just waiting to become kitschy and, dare I say, even cool if only I have the personal fortitude to do nothing about any of them for long enough. That's right, I am the future. If that doesn't terrify the ever-loving stool from your body, you haven't read enough of my poems.
I feel like I should say more on this: although I am totally in favor of poems that tell stories (I personally am working on a poetic style that is only nouns and verbs,) I don't feel like this poem tells enough. There's only one possible meaning (not counting the aforementioned seamen,) so it doesn't hold up to repeated readings. Take a closer look at that famous albatross poem. It's an extended (though clumsy, yes,) allegory - or more than one, but mainly about respect for nature, etc. You don't have anything but events, which are not even presented in the end as anything shocking or weird. Yeah, you start with Murder! which is grabbing, but it just peters out. He eats the bones and goes home. Look for ways to make it mean something more. That's about it.